In Over My Head

In theory, I love the idea of therapy.
It's a great notion.
In actual practice, I hate therapy.


I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm rather ridiculous if you get to know me, but seriously. All I want is a therapist that is willing to work with the contradiction that is my life.

When I say contradiction, I mean, I want to get better, but I know there is a lot of baggage and crap I need to deal with, where it will probably get worse.  Because it always gets worse before it gets better. I digress, I really don't want to deal with all of that. I'd much rather pretend to be happy then actually work at becoming truly happy.


Why?

I don't know why honestly....

While typing this I reflected on how stupid I sound not wanting to truly be happy. For the longest time I have had the thought grounded into my mind that I wasn't worth saving.

Today I went with my mom with me to, yet again, a new therapist appointment. It was a free thirty minute session just to see if we mesh.  Instead of being a mature adult and being respectful, I got defensive and sassy.

The session ended way before it was supposed to with the therapist saying that we wouldn't "be a good fit". At this point, I honestly don't blame her. I was kind of a bitch. I'm sure my mother was real proud of me too...

I really just need to get my shit together...

Long Story Short

Hey World, long time no talk.
Sorry about that.

A lot has gone down since the last time I wrote.

A lot of good things and a lot of not so good things have gone on.

I got a letter saying I was no longer court ordered to see a therapist. I'm finally done with all the crap with last years incident. Things seemed to be going great. Until I got bucky and decided to stop taking my medication. At first it was because I wouldn't eat when I woke up so I didn't take my medicine, then I would just forget.

Its never a good thing to stop taking medication that's designated to help, cold turkey.

Circular thinking and speech become more and more apparent. It's pretty easy to tell when I haven't taken my medicine. I'm very antsy, agitated, sad, etc. I'm a complete roller coaster of emotions and attitudes. The only way to get better is if I have someone I can talk to and express myself towards. I haven't had very much luck with finding a "good" shrink. The last one I talked to talked about himself for 85% of the conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the right way to conduct a therapy session.

Lately I've been lost on what I want to do. Should I pursue my art career? Go and move to some place new and different. Enter art shows, create an amazing portfolio. Or, do I stay where I'm at? If I stay should I continue towards Art Therapy? Maybe I should just get my Masters in Counseling? I know I'm no where near being mentally stable enough to go out on my own yet. Granted, I have come an extremely long way since December, but I know I'm still not ready to be on my own yet.

I just hate being in my home town. I hated growing up here. I'm not a fan of this city. But, I have a good paying job, with clients that I adore. So I guess I should count my blessings.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

I know lately I haven't been posting. I've been busy. Lately my depression has been creeping up. I can feel myself slipping slowing back in to the black hole. I'm not sure what to do. I don't see anyone about my meds until the end of the month so an increase can't happen for a while. I'm trying to get an appointment with my therapist, but at this point I feel like that wouldn't really work.

I know the signs and symptoms of what's coming but I can't stop it. My appetite has gone down immensely, I ran out of my night time med so sleep is a hit a miss most nights. At least I'm not sleeping all day like I used to.

I've just hit a brick wall. I don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to get better. But I'm also useless when I'm this burnt out. I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. It's not bad enough to where I need to seek hospitalization, but it could develop into that if I don't do something about it.

Long time no blog

So I haven't posted in a while. I haven't had much going on besides working all the freaking time. One of the joys of being full time, you work all the time. Nothing really exciting has happened in my life. Mentally I've been doing pretty good. Granted I'm finding it hard to get out of bed most days. I'm not sure if it's because of the depression or if it's from working untill 11 o'clock at night and being wound up and can't sleep till 3 in the morning. My money is on the whole working till 11 o'clock and not falling asleep until 3 am.

I don't know what to talk about. Nothing is really going on in my life. I'm about to be made shift leader at work so that's pretty exciting. I'm a little nervous about it. It's a lot of responsibility. With more responsibility comes more stress. That's exactly what I need. More stress. Oh joy.

Off the band wagon

Lately I haven't been taking my medicine. I had it in my head that the medication was making me gain weight and all I want to do is be skinny again. I don't want to be dependent for the rest of my life either. I know this isn't going to help me out in the least but I have my own personal battles that I have to constantly face. 

I don't want to have this crutch all my life. It's hitting me that I can't function without my medicine. I feel trapped in a box that I can't get out of. But who knows, maybe in a few years, I won't need the medicine anymore and I'll be able to keep my life in order. 

It's a daily battle going on. I know I need to take my medicine but at the same time I don't want to be stuck taking it the rest of my life. 

Color Me Pissed Off

Recently I've been waking up so pissed off that I have no clue what's causing it. I want to get into a huge fight with someone and let off some of this negative energy. I'm just so mad at the world and I don't know why.

I don't know what started it but I don't like it. All I want is to not be angry all the time. It comes out of no where. I'm tired of being angry all the time. It's a waste of energy. But no one really understands.

All I want to do is get into a fight with someone. It'll probably be over something stupid but I need to work this bad energy off somehow. I've worked out and that does not seem to help. I don't really know where to turn.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is really bad  today. I have so many negative thoughts running through my head. I can't turn them off. I just want to sit here and cry. It's too much to handle. I'm not good enough at my new job and I feel like I'm going to screw up majorly. I work with adults with mental disabilities. I did this in high school and loved it. But I'm in a new cottage and with new clients with more demands. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. Maybe I'm not meant to help people. Considering I can't even help myself.

I feel worthless with every day that passes. I can't shut the negative self talk off. It keeps getting worse as days go by.

You're worthless.

You're fat, you can't loose the weight you put on.

You're not worth it.

These keep going through my head. I can't shut it off. I'm not writing this post to get sympathy. No, "oh poor Kelsey" bullshit.

It's really hard to get through the day when all you hear inside your head. These thoughts are a daily occurrence. Normally I can drown them out but lately they seem to keep kicking my ass. My self esteem couldn't be lower these days.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Weight Loss Problems

Recently I have been trying to lose weight. I've gained back the weight I loss during my depression episode and then some back. But it's hard. It's hard because the medicine I am on is making this process difficult. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. This is the heaviest I've ever been. Granted to some people it may not be a lot but for someone my size, it's a pretty hefty amount. 

I don't know where to go with this. I've been proactive don't get me wrong. I got a personal trainer, I'm doing a weight loss program. It's just really frustrating. I'm stuck between lack of motivation every time I see myself in the mirror.

You would think, looking at my out of shape body would give me the motivation to get my ass into gear and change but it doesn't. It makes me feel horrible. I also have a problem with food. I love food that is bad for you. It's comfort food. I crave comfort foods.

It's hard to break bad habits.

Update

It's been a while since I've last posted something. I have exciting news. I'm officially hired. I will have a full time job by mid-June. How many college graduates can say they have a full time job, with benefits, within a month of graduating? My guess, is not many.

I start working out with a trainer tomorrow. I need to lose this weight really bad. I'm doing the Isagenix 30 day challenge. So far it's okay. I just need to keep myself in check when it comes to eating. I tend to eat when I'm bored. I feel like I should be doing something, so I eat.

I hope, since I'm being so proactive, things will work out. My depression seems to be in check. I hope that with this trainer, I can achieve a happy stage in my life where I don't need my medicine as much.  So I don't become dependent.

I don't really know what to talk about. Nothing is really going on. I graduated, I got a job, I'm working on making myself healthy. I'm finally an adult.

The Past Four Years

Tomorrow I take my last final of my undergraduate career. Saturday I take that final walk across the stage and receive my diploma.  Four years have gone by so fast. I can still remember being a freshman at orientation, lost and confused and so excited all at the same time. Meeting new people, making new friends. So many possibilities. So many new adventures.  Now, I reach the end of my four year stretch.

I still have unseen possibilities in my future, but I'll have to buckle down. Get a real job, be a "grown up".  I don't know if I'm ready. Sure, I have the ability to go out into the real world and succeed.  It just feels so weird being done.

I have so many things I want to do before I go off into the world and become an "adult". Sure, by standards of other's I am technically an adult. But I feel like I should be doing more things with my life besides going off into the work force.

I'm going back to work at the same place I worked while in high school. Yes, I have my degrees to help bring more to the metaphorical table, but I still feel like a "loser" because I'm working at the same place as I did in high school.

I'm also looking at my grades and my GRE score. Granted, I need to retake the GRE since I didn't do so hot the first time around. I'm not very good at tests. Especially big important tests that can dictate the chance of me getting into grad school. And I can't help but feel like I'm not going to make it into grad school. I mean, I'm not genius and I'm a pretty average student. I've heard the stories, I'm a C student. C students don't flourish in grad school.

This post was supposed to be about the past four years of my life, instead it has turned into a long worrying post about what's to come. I know I'm borrowing flashlights, (the same as making mountains out of mole hills. I just don't want to be a failure in people's eyes. I've worked too damn hard not to make something of myself.

I've been debating on posting this blog because I don't want people to think I'm not grateful for what I've accomplished.  I care what people think. It's almost like a disease. I care too much. I worry too much. But I'm working on it.

My Way

As I woke up this morning... Okay who am I kidding. I haven't gone to bed yet and it's 9:30 in the morning. Sleep is for the weak. But while I was in a caffeine induced cycle, it hit me that the end is near. Which proceeded to have My Way by Frank Sinatra start going in my head. My Way was my Nana's song. It speaks volumes to me.

The lyrics alone are how I feel. Nine days away until I take the final steps of my undergrad career and I walk across that stage and receive my diploma.

And I did it on my own. Sure I have the wonderful and loving support systems of family and friends behind me. But I actually did it. I got two degrees in four years. I fought internal demons and won. And through it all, I stood tall. (Well, as tall as one can be at only five feet high).

I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I won't give up

I won't give up.


I can't give up.

I've come so far.

I think about giving up almost everyday. That doesn't make me weak. Life shouldn't be so hard. But I truly believe that we are given whatever we can handle. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit. I'm graduating from College May 19th. Not many people thought I could do it. But I did.

There were so many times that I would call my mom crying just wanting to be done. Not caring anymore. I've sat in my room and weighed the options of staying in school and they never seemed worth staying. But I did it.

Now, looking into possible grad schools for next year, it seems like I can't do that either. But I will. I can't give up. Maybe I'll change my mind and not be an art therapist. Maybe I'll go into Occupational Therapy (It's a thought Nessa, I don't know yet).

I want to make a difference in the world. I don't care if I'm never famous, or fabulously rich. I want to make some one's life matter to them. I have so much to give. So much to offer.

Where did the time go?

There are eighteen days left of my undergraduate career. Not that I'm counting or anything, but that's not a long time. Where has the semester gone? It feels like just yesterday I was a freshman and ready for what laid ahead of me. Now I'm a graduating senior with grown up responsibilities. I don't know if I'm ready to be a legit grown up.

Where there are bills and meetings and not the comfort of going to class. Four years have gone by so fast and at the same time so slowly. I have so many places to go before I'm a "grown up". I want to see the world, live, do something!

I feel like I haven't done enough. I'm 21 and I've got nothing exciting to show for myself. Yes, I am going to graduate and that within itself is a big achievement. (I'm actually graduating with two degrees, but hey, who's counting)

Even though I feel like I haven't done much I still have accomplished plenty of things. I grew up so much in these past four years. I can do things on my own, I don't always have to rely on others to accomplish things. I keep going back and forth on the idea that I haven't done anything but at the same time I've done a lot in the past four years.

I'm sure there are people out there that didn't think I was even going to finish college, hell there were times I thought I wasn't going to finish college. I just have this feeling of disappointment because I'm going back to the job I left when I was in High School. Yes I have more to offer this time around, but I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.

Checked out

I have officially mentally checked out. I have three weeks left of my undergraduate career and I can't wait to be done. I have no motivation, no drive left to complete this semester. I just want to be done. I've reached my ending point. I'm burnt out to where I feel like my brain is mush.

But I need to keep pushing through, otherwise I'll end on a poor note. I need to get my drive back. It has been brought to my attention that I may have ADHD, (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). This makes sense but at the same time I don't want or need more labels thrown at me. I'm a walking DSM-IV it seems.

Positive Thoughts

Looking back at some of my past posts it seems that I whine alone. I don't intend to, my goal is to tell my life as it is happening. I'm really not that big of a baby that I can't deal with daily life. I somewhat feel like I'm not doing my main objective, which was to share with the world my life and my struggle with depression so that maybe somewhere out in the bloggestsphere I could help someone realize that they aren't alone.

I do feel lonely at times, and that the world is hard but I can handle it. I can handle anything for a short amount of time. That's what my Nana would say. She was a smart lady. Sometimes I wonder if I make her proud. She is no longer with me, otherwise I'd ask her myself. I like to think that she would be.

I miss her everyday, but I miss her the most when I can't seem to get through the day. Thankfully I have my mom and family to support me. I just need to focus on the positives in life instead of all the hardships I get faced with.

Like something that is currently positive: I am having an art show of my work from the past two years. My reception is tomorrow and I have already been asked if I was willing to sell any of my work for actual money! Real money! And not just for one paint, but for THREE! That's a big freaking deal!

Its things like that that I need to focus on. I can't let everything knock me down. I'm too stubborn to give up so easily. I just need to keep remembering that.

Forever Alone

Lately I've been noticing that I'm usually all alone. I might be paranoid but I feel like I'm becoming a burden to my friends. I'm just lonely. I feel like a burden on people. Not in the sense that I'd act on anything, but in the sense that people don't want me around. I don't have any scary thoughts or anything. I'm okay in that aspect.

I just have a feeling that people don't want me around. Like people wouldn't be to upset if I wasn't around. I feel so lonely and so closed off. I don't want to be a burden to people. I don't like that feeling.

I hate feeling so alone. I could be in a crowded room full of people I know and still feel so alone, like I'm cut off from the world.

Shattered Hopes

Recently I received the news that I won't be getting the dream job that I have been holding out for. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, and in fact most people wouldn't be so set back by it. But it put me in a whirlwind of negative emotions.

If I can't get a job that I am more than qualified for, would do amazing things for the company and create a future that would be so bright you'd need your sunglasses at night, then what am I doing in my field of study.

That seems over dramatic. But it's a big deal to me. I'm having a difficult time putting into words what I'm feeling without it being a big over dramatic rampage.

This was a serious blow to me mentally. I know I could have done wonderful things. No doubt about that. (That's not being egotistical, just facts)

It just sucks so much! I know I won't give up looking other places for the ideal job and getting out of college and having the ideal job would be unheard of. I know I need to work my way up and take on challenges. I'm not naive. I know I need to work for my career.

I was just hoping I was going to get the job that would have changed my world.

Normal isn't real

I'm back at school from Easter Break.  Having five days off to recharge was exactly what I needed. I feel better most days. Ever now and then I feel the evils of depression pushing through.  It's always at the back of my mind. I don't go a day without thinking about my mental health issues. How I won't ever be "normal"

But normal is only a cycle on the washing machine. There is no such thing.

It's a daily struggle, knowing I can't act like a 21 year old that I am. Like I can't go drinking with my friends, well I can, but being the only sober kid is boring. I know I can have fun without drinking but it feels like a privilege that I can't partake in.

I feel left out.

At least all my friends have a Designated Driver whenever they go out.

Think positive.

Freedom

Ever feel like you're all alone, even in a large crowd? I feel that way a lot. Even with people all around you, even interacting with you, you feel like no one is there and it's an unsettling feeling. When you're around friends and yet everyone is a stranger.

No one quite understands where you're coming from.  An overbearing feeling of judgement and disdain. You want to do the right thing, but you're uncertain of what that is.

You can't do anything right, you're under a microscope and people are looking at every move you take, categorized ever breath you take.

Nothing seems right.

Nothing is right.

You're all alone.

But you're not. You have the voices in your head telling you what to do and how to act. Even they judge you.

You have to realize those voices are just you, the negative self talk is too apparent in your daily life. You need to break the record and start fresh.

but starting fresh is never easy. Even on your worst days, good ones will eventually come along and you won't have to deal with the negative thoughts. They'll still be there, but you make the conscious effort not to listen.

One day, some day, you'll be free.

Head in the Clouds

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on a cloud, not a happy cloud like cloud 9 more like cloud 2. A dark stormy cloud that is on the verge of breaking out into rain and lightening storms.  I have the over bearing feeling that some how I'm disappointing people

My school work is slipping, I have no drive to do the work I know I can produce. Instead I'm doing half assed work and not caring. That's not normal for me. I love school and don't mind homework, but the mixture of freedom from this never ending circle.

I'm almost done. I need the motivation to push through these last seven weeks of school to graduation.

Burnt Out

Lately I've mentally checked out. I just want to be done with school. I've been burning my candle at both ends for too long. I just want to have some time off and not have anything to do. Soon. But not soon enough.

I just want to be done with everything. To crawl into my room and not leave for a few days. Let me read a book that's not required for class. Or watch movies that don't have some form of lecture to go with it. 

I just want me time that isn't invaded by homework, study guides or papers. 

Sure I've had "breaks" but they don't really count. I still had homework to do. I wasn't left to do nothing. 

Do nothing, that sounds wonderful. Just to sit and not have to worry about deadlines. Soon enough I'll have that. Then its off to the real world where I have to work full time, pay off student loans, pay rent. 

Is there ever a break?

Dancing with Depression

Lately I feel like every step I take forward, I take two steps backwards. And yet, I feel like I'm in a state of contentment. I feel fine with a slight overcast of sadness. It could be the weather changing so much these days, or just because I'm nearing the end of my entire schooling career.

So many factors play a part in my life, it's hard to narrow it down to one thing. I have so much to do with so little enthusiasm behind it all.

I'm just so ready to be done.

Sunshine

So I've decided to take up running. Those who know me, understand that this is a big deal. Mostly because I'm a swimmer, I live in the water and have a hard time with these land work outs. I need to get healthy. Since I'm working on my mental health everyday I might as well add my physical well being.

Today I went on a mile long walk with my dad. It felt good to be outside. Sun shinning, warm breeze.

Sunshine is good for people with depression. It just makes people feel better in general. Exercise also makes people feel good. I could get into all the science gar-gin, but I won't bore you people out in the bloggestsphere.

It feels nice to actually going out and feeling better.

Failure to Launch

Today I talked to my mom about being a failure. I feel like a failure because after May 19th I'm moving back to my home town and moving back in with my mom. This makes me feel like I didn't amount to anything.

My mom pointed out that I'm no where near being a failure. (Besides my brother already called dibs on being the family failure and would be pissed if I took that away from him.)

I'm graduating on time with two majors and a minor. I'm battling depression and making a point to never go back to the depths of hell that I have been pushing out of for the past few months. I'm passionate about working with people with disabilities and to make a difference.

I will make a difference. Why? Because I give a damn!

I care about people and I'm a big cog in a small wheel. I can make someones life better by the work I want to pursue.

So what if I don't get my masters degree in art therapy? It's just a tittle and a lot of money. I can do free lance work and still make a difference.

More people need to realize that it doesn't matter what is after your name as long as you have the passion for what you're doing and you are happy.

Happiness is all that matters.

I need to keep this in mind. I get all worked up over the small things that I forget to be happy.

I don't know

I'm not sure what to blog about today.

Things are going much better. Graduation is almost here. (9 weeks, not that I'm counting) I feel better everyday.

Yesterday I found out my therapist is quitting so I don't have a therapist anymore. That's kind of frustrating, but at the same time I don't want to break in a new therapist when I'm leaving soon. I see no point in filling out more paper work, waiting a few weeks till they find me someone to talk to, by then I'll only have a few weeks left and I'm out of Sioux City. 

Granted I don't feel that my therapy sessions go very well. I mean, we talk and everything, it just seems like nothing ground breaking occurs.

This makes me question my profession choices. I want to be a therapist that actually makes a difference. Not a therapist who does nothing. I want to make ground breaking achievements and actually do some good for my future patients.  I don't want to go through the motions.

It makes me nervous for the future. What if I don't succeed in my goals? Is it all for not? I don't know. I won't know unless I try.

Taking it Day by Day

So, I was hospitalized again over the weekend. My meds were out of wack, mostly because I was trying to self medicate and it wasn't helping out at all. Self medicating usually doesn't help anyway, but I'm too stubborn to listen.  Things are finally back on track and I feel much better.

I decided to come back to school and finish out the week before spring break.  I don't want to run away and stay at home where it's safe. I need to face the world. I can't keep hiding.

It feels odd to be back since being hospitalized again. It feels like people expect me to transform into this sad depressed little girl who can't stand on her own two feet. I'm fine, I promise. I'm not going to break. This last time was just a small little hiccup that needed to be fixed. Nothing too strenuous.

I'm too stubborn to just walk away defeated. I'm going to kick this depression in the ass and do what I need to do, which is go to class and graduate on time.

That's my goal.

Not. Okay.

I am not okay. I don't know what it is, but I am not okay.

Something feels very off mentally. Like something has shifted. I know I'm not okay because I can close me eyes. Imagine myself driving down the road, seeing a semi coming my way, and casually slide over into the other lane into on coming traffic. I open my eyes and think "That doesn't sound too bad, I wouldn't do it."

What the hell!? I wouldn't do it?! I can think of it, what if I do do it?! What then? If I can think this shit up then what's to say I won't do it? I really hope I don't do it. That would really suck.

It just slightly scares me. That entire rant sounds psychotic, I promise I'm not crazy.

I just had this thought and I got scared.

What am I going to do? If I'm slipping I don't feel like I did when I sunk away. It feels different. I can't really describe it. But I just don't feel right.

I'm not okay. But I don't feel unsafe. I just feel so off and so out of it.

Blurring of Days

It seems like my days are blurred into one day.  I can't focus, I'm quiet and reserved. I feel out of place. The weather outside doesn't help much. Such yucky weather these days. Snow, and cold.

Not a fan.

I can't wait for spring to come. When I can open my dorm room window, smell the flowers blooming, bird chirping instead of the weird sounds coming from my neighbors.

Oh the life of a college student.

I feel like my head is spinning and I can't stop. Always on the move. Thoughts firing ever few nanoseconds. No real peace.

There never is any peace.

Good Days to Come

Today is a good day.  I've been having a lot more ups and downs these days.  Mostly because I have a head cold, and a cold makes everything worse.  I've been feeling down about my weight lately.  I know I should be happy that I'm eating again (I wouldn't eat for days during my last depressive episode)

I know I need to push myself in order for me to work out. But I find it difficult to get the motivation I need to succeed.  I just don't know how to keep going once I start working out. I know eventually I will learn to crave it, but right now I just feel like I need to focus on classes and everything else that my health gets put on the back burner. Which isn't right. I need to make a constant reminder to take care of me physically not just mentally. If I can go the the depths of hell and back, then I think I can work out.

Plus, if I work out I will create endorphins that will help stabilize my brain into having more better days. Everything is connect. You can't escape it.

Head Cold

So fighting depression isn't enough these days. I go out and get a head cold to make life better. Right, right. Well eff. I can't go anywhere is seems without getting into some sort of mischife.  I feel like I'm in a fog from the depression then the head cold makes it feel 10x worse because that's what head colds do.

Make shit worse.

On the positive note, I FINALLY got my paper work fixed and I'm seeing people in Sioux City.  It was a lot harder than it needed to be, but what can you do about courts? Nothing. They suck, just like head colds.

I know I have things I need to get done today, but all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny ball and sleep this thing away.  That would be lovely, a day of sleep.

Inner Battles

Lately I've been having some personal battles. In regards that I'm having a inner-monologue type of battles. I need to make some real changes in my life if I ever expect to get better.

I need to focus on my goals and actually achieve them.  And not half-assed, I want to feel like I actually achieved something. Be it in regards to my degree, or in my personal life.

I need to take a real look at my life and make the decision on if I want to continue on this path of self destruction or the path to where I won't be setting myself up for failure.

Anxiety Attacks

I have anxiety attacks regularly.

The other day I woke up from a pretty decent sleep from an anxiety attack.  My ears were ringing, my heart pounding and it was hard to breathe.  I don't know what set it off. I never really know what sets them off.  I can be walking down the hall and start to breathe heavy, get dizzy and feel closed off.

I never really know when I'm going to get one.

I try doing the breathing exercises I was given during my hospital stay.  But they don't seem to work.

I hate having anxiety attacks. They make me feel weak. I'm too stubborn to let them bring me down though.

Home for the Weekend

I'm really excited to be home for the weekend. I get to "recharge" and work on how I'm going to tackle the rest of the semester. I like coming home. It means hot water and water pressure, free laundry, food, and love.

It feels safe when I'm home.

I don't have to pretend that I'm doing great or have to act like nothing happened. I'm allowed to put my defenses down and breathe.

I can some what do this at school, but it's not the same. I have people there that understand and know what happened, but it feels forced to be okay. (on my part)

It just feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders when I come home. It feels peaceful and relaxing to finally be able to breathe.

I have some professors walking on egg shells around me and don't know how to talk to me now because of what had happened.

Don't worry folks, I'm not a ticking time bomb any more. I've got my shit together. Granted I should have seen this coming, the professors I'm talking about don't know how to talk to me in the first place. They kind of suck.

I also feel guilty that I haven't asked for help yet. People have been giving me help and reminders that they're there for me. I appreciate all that they've offered and I know they care, I just don't want to feel like charity. I've always been too stubborn for my own good, but still.

I just need to suck it up or something. I don't know.

"Stuck"

Lately I've been using the term "stuck" a lot.

What I mean by stuck is, I feel like I'm not able to move about as I wish to. Like I'm glued on this one thought track that isn't positive. I'm like a broken record

"You suck" "No one really cares what you have to say" "Give up"

These thoughts and many more are always running through my head. I have to work 10x harder to be proactive in my mental health care.

And all I want to do is give up, it seems so much easier than pushing through.

But I always give up.

I'm not going to be stuck forever. It's about damn time I kicked this depression in the face. (Quote from Carolyne, slightly altered to fit this discussion)

Slipping

So yesterday I posted on Facebook that I was slowly slipping back into my depression. I got called out on it. Yes, I do feel more down than I have been the past few weeks, but then again I have the tools now to fix these small hiccups in will run into.

I just feel rather down in the dumps, to put it simply. I've also been on campus for the past two weeks, trying my best to do everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm burning up all my energy just to make it to class. It's getting really hard to focus again.

I just want a weekend where I can go home and recharge. I think that may do the best for me. At the same time I don't want to always run home to feel better. I need to work on cooping skills by myself so I can make it in the real world after college.

Who am I kidding, I'm going home for a year after college. There is no real world for me yet.

Uncomfrotable.

Lately I've been feeling uncomfortable in my body. During my depression I had lost almost 20 pounds because I never ate anything. I didn't feel like eating, I couldn't get myself to eat so the pounds just fell off. Now, I'm eating on a regular basis, generally three times a day. I try to work out, but I find it hard to push myself into working out more and more these days, even though I have a challenge between myself and my older sister. I still would rather just curl up in bed and not do anything.

I think it has a lot to do with the weather. Right now it's cold and super foggy. Perfect snuggling and watching movie weather. Unforgivably I'm stuck in the library working on homework.  I'd rather stay in bed all day and be wearing sweats.

But I have to get this shit done. One way or another.

Thinking

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm really thankful for what I have in front of me. Friends that love me and will stand by my side through thick or thin, family that is finally coming around to see that I'm not the monster my mental illness causes me to be.

Today I was cuddling with my best friend in her dorm room (yeah, we're cool.) She was asking how I was doing. I'm so thankful I have her keeping me in line and making sure I'm doing what I need to do.

Thank you Caiti.

Cloudy Overcast

I feel rather lethargic today. Like there is a cloud over me. I would love to go home and recharge, but I made a promise I would go to a dance this weekend. I need to be social. Besides, I'm not the angry person I used to be. I'm happier and less crabby.  I just don't want to get all dressed up. I'm slightly lazy.  Mostly because I don't like getting all dolled up. I'm more comfortable with sweats and t-shirts.

I'll still go, don't get me wrong. I haven't worn my New Years Eve dress,  I was slightly tied up and not able to wear it.  So I want to wear it out on Saturday.  I know I'm being counterproductive and contradicting myself. But I'm still flip flopping my decision on going or not. As much as I'd love to go home, I need to be more social and more open to spending time outside my room.

Holding Court

So the courts have messed everything up.

I haven't seen anyone for my meds yet and I'm running out. I'm tired of calling the hospital in Carroll to get refills because I'm waiting for the court to contact my therapist and get me court ordered to Sioux City.

(The courts were involved in my hospitalization. It was the safest route for me at the time.)

I'm frustrated and upset. I need my medication so I can function normally and not go back into the hell I just escaped from.  It's just so frustrating. Being so proactive in my mental health care and have so many hurtles to jump so others are on the same page as me.

All I want is to get better. It feels like I can't take a step forward without going three steps back. It's all counter productive and irritating.

I have broken down and cried twice already because of how frustrating this is. I know I sound erratic and overly sensitive to all of this, but in the end all I want is to be mentally stable and I can't do that if I can't get the necessary medication.

I can only take one day at a time. That's all I can ask of myself.

Challenge Accepted

Since I greatly dislike working out, my sister has offered a challenge. To see who can earn more points by my graduation. Every half hour counts as one point, if you reach a certain amount of points by the end of the week, you earn x amount of points.

This is going to work swimmingly, mostly because we're both super stubborn and competitive. So it's on Carolyne dude.

I think this is really going to work out for both of us.

Sleepless in Sioux City

I'm back to restless nights. Mostly because I've run out of my night time med that helps calm my thoughts and lets me finally get rest I deeply deserve. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to do breathing exercises to help me sleep, counting sheep, anything to help. But nothing worked.

I've been feeling good the last few days, but last night was a slight set back. I made a point to go out of my way to get on top of my issues for today. Like getting my meds switched over to Sioux City and what not.

I even went on a walk outside today. I had to call my mom and let her hear the wind over the phone so she'd get off my case about not working out to help defeat my depression. Regular exercise is helpful to those who suffer from depression. I just lack the motivation to get out and do it because I'm not a land person, I'm a swimmer till the end. I just have to suck it up.

Even though I didn't sleep last night, I still feel pretty good today. Maybe I just needed extra sunshine today.

Dreams Become Reality One Choice At a Time

I woke up this morning and made the conscious decision that today was going to be a great day!

I got a text from my older sister telling me to "Kick today in the face." And that's exactly what I'm doing. I had a "jam session" today with two friends before class, I was attentive in class today and I have a good feeling that therapy is going to be pretty good today.

Why?

Because I said so dammit!

I got two packages in the mail today from  my mom. Those are always exciting. You never know what you're going to get from my  mom. That's what makes her packages awesome!

Today just feels like a positive day. There is no other way to describe it. I just feel so good today. I haven't felt like this in months. It's pretty rare that I don't feel like I'm dragging along, feeling worthless or hopeless.

My last few posts have been slightly whinny in the sense that I complain about things. In reality, I'm just trying to explain what is going on. Granted the weight issue thing is a lot of complaining. But you have to realize. I'm barely 5 feet tall. Any extra weight is a bad thing. So for that I apologize for all the whining.

Hopelessly devoted to......

I feel hopeless. Even helpless these days. Like i'm not worth it, or whatever I do isn't worth doing. I've gained all my weight back, rather rapidly. So I feel disgusted with myself for letting the weight come back. I'm also a swimmer, so I don't really know how to work out on land.

These are not acceptable excuses for my hopeless feelings. I'm just not ready to be a part of the "real world" yet. I want to go back home and keep slowly getting better everyday.

The head of my department asked if I wanted to take the semester off and work on my issues. I would love to do that.

Work on my artwork during the day at the studio, clean the house and start dinner, go sit in the library. That would be wonderful.

But I can't do that. If I do that, I won't ever grow and develop. I need to develop the strength to keep me from falling back into the hell I just left.

My Nana always said "You can do something for a small amount of time"

She's right. I can do the 15 weeks and graduate. I just can't let this overwhelm me. If I isolate myself I'm not doing myself any favors.

I know all these things but I still continue to not listen to my own advice. That seems to be the problem most days. I can give advice, no problem. Taking my own advice, my slim.

Overwhelmed with a side of Paranoia

I'm overwhelmed with life. And overly paranoid and sensitive about people interacting with me. I know these feelings with go away soon enough, but for now I'm acting very strange because I don't know how to interact with others yet.

I've always been socially awkward. Mostly because I'm awesome and have no issue discussing anything and everything. I'm out spoken and loud. Which equals to being awesome, but I digress.

I feel like there is a neon sign above my head with arrows saying "This person has a mental illness and should be shunned"

I don't want to be shunned! I'm too cool for that! (I'm very humble I know.)

I'm still reserved from how I used to interact with people. I'm not as willing to participate in fun activities. Like last night, my best friend asked me to hang out with her and her boyfriend. Generally, that's not a big deal. I love spending time with her and her boyfriend is pretty legit (that's right, approval has been given.) But 10:30 hit and I was ready for bed. I retreated back into my room. I stay in my room a lot because it's "safe" I don't have a roommate, I don't have to interact with people unless I have to.

It's my shell. I know the signs of me slipping back into depression, but I don't feel like I am at this point. I just like being alone.

I don't want to become overwhelmed to where I do drastic things like stop going to class, or shutting down.

I cannot shut down this semester. Graduation is almost here and I need to finish out strong.

It just seem easier said than done at this point. I have so many expectations of me from my peers and my professors that if I fail, I feel like I would be failing the whole world. Even though I know they wouldn't be disappointed in me if I try my best, it's still just an overwhelming feeling of defeat that is inevitable. And I don't want that. It's hard to keep pushing forward when I'm overly sensitive to how people interact with me.

I just want to go back home where I know it's safe.

What's with all the rules?!

Today, I just want to bitch and moan and complain about stuff. Why? Because that's how I feel today. There is an overcast outside, and an overcast over my mood. I'm 21 years old, most 21 year olds aren't trying to beat a battle of depression. What are they doing? Enjoying the fact that they can drink what they want, do what they want, party, have fun in the sense of what 21 year olds wait for.

I don't drink very often for this to be a real problem. Except the fact that I love wine and if I had the funds, would drink it more often. Now I can't at all, ever. Because my meds said No. My mom says No.

I'm one of those people you cannot say No to, because once that word is uttered I'm off doing it because, well dammit I don't like to follow rules.

My dad still makes the dumb joke of "I try to teach my oldest it's okay to break some rules and my second oldest that it's okay to follow the rules" (Joke is dumb dad, just saying.)

I follow most rules, I just don't like them. I find rules to be ridiculous, even if they are necessary. How can I live a "normal" life when I have all these restrictions? 

Jumping through hoops and watching the red tape shouldn't be apart of that. 

I understand and not delusional to the whole concept of rules. They are to keep us safe and what not. But  it just feels like I can't do anything.

I know this is all based off of perspective. But I still have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box because I can't do the things other people are doing.

I shouldn't get mad or upset because I don't really do anything to start with. I'm kind of a home-body. I like my movies, live off of popcorn and don't mind staying in sweats all day.

I just want to be able to have options of what I can do. Not have rules looming over me.

One Day at a Time

So I went to two of my three classes yesterday. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I tried my breathing exercise, didn't help. Took a med, kinda helped. Laid down in the fetal position, worked. Weird, I know, but it helped and that's all I asked for.

I did most of studio today too. What made studio weird today was someone who I used to be close to gave me a gold frame what looks really cool, and said it made her think of me. I haven't talked to her since Halloween when we had a fight.

Things like that make me ponder, are they being nice in a way of "peace offering" or are they trying to fuck with me. (I usually pick the former, makes it seem less paranoid)

That gesture today made studio a lot less scary for me. It felt that she lifted the weight off my shoulders because weren't going to have a bad omen over us during class.

I got asked if I was going to produce the same work that I did at home, in this studio class. I honestly don't think I can. The reasoning being, my mom's studio is a safe place. It's a happy place, you're not allowed to be crabby in the studio because that ruins everyone's fun.

The studio on campus isn't safe. It's not a happy place. It's crowded and overly arrogant because you must use your "artsy words" and sound snobbish.

You don't have to use those kind of words in my mom's studio. You can express your work in a free will established environment

I want to go back home. But I won't. I will get more social and better at dealing with the day. It's going to take forever though. Butt I can work through it one day at a time.

First Day Back

Today was my first day back at school. I woke up early, ate breakfast, got dressed and headed off to class. No big deal right? Wrong. I was so strung out and so on edge that I left halfway through. I only had one class today, and I couldn't even do it. I couldn't last the entire time in Studio.

Am I really that pathetic?

No, because I came back. I could have stayed in the safety of my home and my mom's studio. Instead I came back to campus, faced one of my mentally abusive courses and woke up to the idea of having a great day today.

I did for the most part. Studio usually gets on my nervous because of the ego's people through around. (You're undergraduate artist, keep that in mind children) That's not to "dis" the people in Studio, I have seen some of the most amazing pieces come out of studio, I just become irritated with the false self worth.

But if I can't handle one class today, how can I handle three classes tomorrow? Luckily I have my psych department for two of the classes that I have to have tomorrow. I'm also thankful for the two hour break I get in between classes.

It just bothers me that I can become so frazzled so easily. I know that I can only take it one day at a time. I just want to go back to the way I was, but happier and healthier. Instead of having to interact with everyone like I'm walking on egg shells.

This really sucks.

Do I Have To?

Today I have to go back to Sioux City to finish out my senior year. I no longer get to stay in the safety and comfort of my mom's house and studio. I have to go play with the other kids in the real world. I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll relapse and go back into the hell hole I just got done climbing out of.

I'm scared people will see some neon sign above my head that say (in the words of my best friend) "This Bitch Is CRAZY!"

Even though I'm scared, I woke up feeling great. I'm going to have a good day today. I've decided that as soon as I woke up. I felt great, my thoughts weren't racing, I didn't feel rushed. It was peaceful.

I don't get too many peaceful moments in my life. I'm always on edge, be it from over stimulation or my thoughts won't shut up. I'm always on the move, be it physically or mentally. I never get a chance to stop and rest.

I finally got the rest these past few weeks and I don't want to give it up. It feels so wonderful. Very tranquil.

I only have 15 weeks left of my college career. That seems really simple, but for me that feels like a life time. Especially when I have to work with a department that doesn't get me. Thankfully the Psych department is there to fall back on. Along with my two best friends on campus.

It's fun having friends that stick around. I don't get that very often. Usually my "friends" ditch me after a while because I'm too much to handle.

It goes to show you who your real friends are and who aren't. I'm just happy I have two that stick through everything with me. It means a lot to me. A lot more then people expect.

Getting A Chance to Live...

Still in a fog today. I slept well, woke up covered in sweat. Maybe it was a nightmare I don't remember? Everyday is a nightmare. Finally went and spent some time with people outside the comfort of my home or my mom's studio. I couldn't look most people in the eye, thinking they knew what was wrong with me. That I'm some form of a freak because I lack certain forms of social skills. I was had fun, and I'm glad I did it, but I still feel like people are looking at me with a certain look of disdain.

Like I'm not a real person, just a sheep in people's clothing. It's going to take "time" to get back to "normal" What is normal? Normal is an unattainable goal that I think I'm never going to get it. Mostly because normalcy is not a real thing. No one is normal. We act how society depicts us to be and work form their. Society decides that I'm a freak because I have a mental issue. Well jokes on you society! Almost everyone has some form of mental illness. Be it depression, all the way up to schizophrenia and everywhere in between.

Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.

I'm stuck in this hyper-sensitive limbo. I am lucky enough to have the break I need to get back on track, but I can tell my family is worried how I'll do once I'm back out on my own.

Will I be safe? Will I harm myself? Will I use all the tools at my disposal to get better? I don't know any of these answers for certain. I want to say I'll be fine and I'll never go back into the hell hole I just left, but I can feel myself slipping back into it. I know what I need to do to keep myself out of it, but it just seems like so much effort for a world I don't remember.

I may not want to go back into the hell hole, but it's comfortable. I know what to expect. I know I'll drop the weight, I'll sleep long hours and I know I'll feel horrible every day because I know I'm not worth it.

But what if I'm not worth it in the real world? That no matter what my efforts will be, I'm terrified I'll never amount to anything. I know I have loft goals, but are they worth it? Can I be the therapist I know I want to be? Will I make a change in the world of others? I've been seeing therapist for 10 years or so, and so far I've been let down by most of them. Can I be a therapist that actually works?

I just want to be happy again, to be able to function on a daily basis and to maybe one day. make the difference I need to so people like me have a chance at living.

Foggy Day

I don't know what to talk about today. I'm getting better everyday, including the days I have major set backs. Like two days ago, I cried about five times for no real reason. Just sat down and cried. The next day, I didn't cry once. Today, I feel lethargic. (love that word) I don't want to do anything. One of my best friends asked if I wanted to play board games today. I Said yes, even though I really don't want to do anything today. But I can't keep putting off being interactive with the real world. I have to push through the fog and the comfort of being alone.

I know it's okay to be alone some times. But it's better to be around people, especially people who love you. By sitting around and isolating myself, I'm not doing myself any favors. I'm making it worse for me. I'm just feeding the depression.

I need to break through the fog and find the sunshine. (Mostly because sunshine helps the endorphin's in your brain and make you happy by reacting with the dopamin.... Yep nerd speak, it's gunna happen)

I really want to veg out and watch tv. Stuff my face with comfort food. But that's not going to make me better, it's going to make me fatter and more pissed that I'm not 125 like when I entered college. Granted when I entered college I had just finished 4 years of swim team and had a pretty rockin' bod, but i digress.

I just feel like I'm always in a fog. That no one notices me because I'm easily misplaced. I don't make an impact on anyone. I'm just that short girl on campus who drives that shitty van. (Negative self talk is one of the cues of depression coming back. It'll never fully go away, but you can always work to keep in tack. I struggle with this daily. Negative self talk is more harmful than being negatively talked at by peers in my book. Especially with me since my mind is always racing and always talking.)

I'm not asking for people to go out of their way to recognize me. I just feel slightly useless on this planet.

But that's one thing I need to push through, this negative self talk needs to stop. Now.

Bouncing Around

Today I feel like crap. Mentally and physically. I hurt everywhere because I worked out yesterday. For those who know me, I don't work out. It's hard and I'm a big baby some times. But I did it anyways yesterday. It was a Father, Daughter bonding run/walk on the treadmill and sitting in the sauna. Followed by a Father, Daughter dinner date.

Yay bonding with my daddy! Good stuff.

But I feel like I'm in a fog today. As if I've put my autopilot on and just going with the motions. All I really want to do is go home and cuddle up with my kindle. Eat lots of crappy food, which is probably a bad idea, but hey, shit happens.

I know I'm a stress eater. When I eat all the time, that causes weight gain, BUT I'm awesome enough to where I hold my weight really well. No one would ever guess I was a 150lbs. (For serious folks, I checked the scale this morning) It also helps that I don't dress like a hoochie and wear really tight clothes.

Stupid hoochies.

This post kinda jumps around, but that's what is going on in my head. My thoughts are racing again and I can't put a stop to it really. They're just bouncing around. Can't really stop them.

I'm pushing myself harder than I should these days to have good days and to be on top of everything. It's kind of stressful and is counter productive. I need to work on that.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I'll be having a great day, all smiles and happy thoughts and out of no where I want to cry my eyes out. I don't know what the triggers are. I can't take my anti-anxiety medication because I was a genius and developed a kidney infection. Apparently antibiotics and anti-psychotics don't mix.

Fuck.

So I can't use all the tools I've been given to make me "better". Thankfully I'll be done with the antibiotics soon.

When I say emotional roller coaster, I'm sure some people think of pregnant women and their hormones where they cry at the drop of a hat. That's kind of like what's going on, except I'm not pregnant and it's not because of hormones. I'm still climbing my way out of the worst depression I have ever had.

Considering I'm only 21, most people wouldn't think that what has happened the last few months has been that bad. But it has. When professors, friends, and family notice you're no longer your bubbly, talkative, overly excited self, or when you can't think of one possible reason to get out of bed for days at a time, shit kinda hits the fan.

I've always have had passive thoughts about suicide. But I never thought I'd act on them. I would always reasons with myself
"You're not weak enough for that"
"It would add more financial stress to Mom and Dad"
"Do you know how much effort that would take"

The last one is a gem, I know. But I also have the issue of being majorly depressed and having random bursts of energy. Those are two scary elements. When people become depressed they don't want to do anything, but with the random bits of energy, I had the movement to actually act out these thoughts.

I finally tried a few weeks ago, but I talked myself out of it just in time. I had done it long enough to have marks around my neck and to scare myself and those around me enough to put me in the hospital.

I'm still trying to level out my emotional roller coaster. I'm taking it one day at a time. It's harder than it seems but I'm going to persevere. Mostly because I'm too stubborn to give up.

Shaken, Not Stired

Each day is better than the last. Or at least it was until I had the rug swept out from under me. I had a professor ask me if the work I had been doing at home was actually mine or my mother's work. Complete lack in confidence and worthlessness has struck me. What the hell do you mean is it my mom's work?! I fucking did the work! AND I worked really fucking hard on it too! I even sent pictures to show you that I was working! But of course those could have been staged! Bullshit! I'm not mentally capable at this time to be deceiving.

Some people are beyond ignorant to what mental illness does to a person. I may not have physical scars but my mental scars go a mile deep and a mile wide. I took myself to the darkest pits of hell and I am slowly pulling myself out everyday. That question has put me back to where I started and I don't want to have to crawl back out again, but I will because I do not need to live my life in a black hole. I need the light to survive.

I have no clue if I'm being accused of academic dishonestly, or what but I'm still shaken up. The work I presented was by far the best work I have done in my life and I am so proud of it. But to have my credibility questioned put an ugly light over all that I've accomplished.

The Art Department is a bitter bitch.

Clearing Things Up...

So, I think I should have warned people about a few things first.

First off, I am honest to a fault. I'm not going to sugar coat things, especially things about my past to people. If I'm going to give people an example I'm going to use my life as one. I have no problem sharing information, stories, or experiences.

So if my last post shocked some of you, I apologize. But I'm not going to take is down. Its the truth, and I only post the truth.

Well, the truth as I see it.

Revelations

So I've come to terms with my mental illness in a really short amount of time. I know that if my depression was a cancer, I would do anything in my power to get treated and healthy again, right? Right. I need to take the steps to be healthy again. Being depressed is like living in a small box. You never really go outside the box, because inside you know it's safe, slightly warm and controlled, environment wise.

Outside the box, well, outside the box is Hell.

Monsters in every ally and behind every tree. Giving you reason to give up and die. You never do anything you're supposed to do, and even if you do, it's wrong. You have no where to turn, no light to shine and banish the harsh dreams.

But you stay there anyways, because you know what to expect. It's "comfortable", but it's not healthy or a smart idea to stay there. Working to leave the blackened hell-hole is terrifying.

People with depression disorders are more likely to commit suicide, because falling back into that depression is the worst possible feeling for them. They never want to go back there.

There being hell.

It's easier to give up than to fight. Fighting takes so much more than you're willing or even capable of giving at times. This is where I'm at. But if you know who I am, you'll know I'm too damn stubborn to fall back into my hell.

Not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone has a support system like mine. I am blessed for my family and my professors and my friends for sticking with me.

Three weeks ago, I tried to kill myself because I was ashamed of my behavior and I was tired of being in hell. It seemed the only way out. My support system thought differently and I'm so thankful for that.

Death is never the answer. Ever.

Howdy....

Hey there folks out in the "blogesphere".

My name is Kelsey and I'm 21.
I love the color Red.
I'm a senior in college.
I like flowers.

Alright, now that the semantics are over, let's get down to the real stuff.  I'm writing this blog because I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. In all actuality that's not news to me, but whatever. I'm doing this I have an outlet and can "express myself".

But seriously folks. I'm writing so that maybe out in internet-land, I could help someone with my past. I'm not perfect, my siblings like to remind me of that constantly. (Still love them though)

I just want to let people out there know, they're not alone.

Shit happens, to everyone. It just depends on how you deal with it.