In theory, I love the idea of therapy.
It's a great notion.
In actual practice, I hate therapy.
I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm rather ridiculous if you get to know me, but seriously. All I want is a therapist that is willing to work with the contradiction that is my life.
When I say contradiction, I mean, I want to get better, but I know there is a lot of baggage and crap I need to deal with, where it will probably get worse. Because it always gets worse before it gets better. I digress, I really don't want to deal with all of that. I'd much rather pretend to be happy then actually work at becoming truly happy.
Why?
I don't know why honestly....
While typing this I reflected on how stupid I sound not wanting to truly be happy. For the longest time I have had the thought grounded into my mind that I wasn't worth saving.
Today I went with my mom with me to, yet again, a new therapist appointment. It was a free thirty minute session just to see if we mesh. Instead of being a mature adult and being respectful, I got defensive and sassy.
The session ended way before it was supposed to with the therapist saying that we wouldn't "be a good fit". At this point, I honestly don't blame her. I was kind of a bitch. I'm sure my mother was real proud of me too...
I really just need to get my shit together...
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