Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I'll be having a great day, all smiles and happy thoughts and out of no where I want to cry my eyes out. I don't know what the triggers are. I can't take my anti-anxiety medication because I was a genius and developed a kidney infection. Apparently antibiotics and anti-psychotics don't mix.

Fuck.

So I can't use all the tools I've been given to make me "better". Thankfully I'll be done with the antibiotics soon.

When I say emotional roller coaster, I'm sure some people think of pregnant women and their hormones where they cry at the drop of a hat. That's kind of like what's going on, except I'm not pregnant and it's not because of hormones. I'm still climbing my way out of the worst depression I have ever had.

Considering I'm only 21, most people wouldn't think that what has happened the last few months has been that bad. But it has. When professors, friends, and family notice you're no longer your bubbly, talkative, overly excited self, or when you can't think of one possible reason to get out of bed for days at a time, shit kinda hits the fan.

I've always have had passive thoughts about suicide. But I never thought I'd act on them. I would always reasons with myself
"You're not weak enough for that"
"It would add more financial stress to Mom and Dad"
"Do you know how much effort that would take"

The last one is a gem, I know. But I also have the issue of being majorly depressed and having random bursts of energy. Those are two scary elements. When people become depressed they don't want to do anything, but with the random bits of energy, I had the movement to actually act out these thoughts.

I finally tried a few weeks ago, but I talked myself out of it just in time. I had done it long enough to have marks around my neck and to scare myself and those around me enough to put me in the hospital.

I'm still trying to level out my emotional roller coaster. I'm taking it one day at a time. It's harder than it seems but I'm going to persevere. Mostly because I'm too stubborn to give up.