Getting A Chance to Live...

Still in a fog today. I slept well, woke up covered in sweat. Maybe it was a nightmare I don't remember? Everyday is a nightmare. Finally went and spent some time with people outside the comfort of my home or my mom's studio. I couldn't look most people in the eye, thinking they knew what was wrong with me. That I'm some form of a freak because I lack certain forms of social skills. I was had fun, and I'm glad I did it, but I still feel like people are looking at me with a certain look of disdain.

Like I'm not a real person, just a sheep in people's clothing. It's going to take "time" to get back to "normal" What is normal? Normal is an unattainable goal that I think I'm never going to get it. Mostly because normalcy is not a real thing. No one is normal. We act how society depicts us to be and work form their. Society decides that I'm a freak because I have a mental issue. Well jokes on you society! Almost everyone has some form of mental illness. Be it depression, all the way up to schizophrenia and everywhere in between.

Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.

I'm stuck in this hyper-sensitive limbo. I am lucky enough to have the break I need to get back on track, but I can tell my family is worried how I'll do once I'm back out on my own.

Will I be safe? Will I harm myself? Will I use all the tools at my disposal to get better? I don't know any of these answers for certain. I want to say I'll be fine and I'll never go back into the hell hole I just left, but I can feel myself slipping back into it. I know what I need to do to keep myself out of it, but it just seems like so much effort for a world I don't remember.

I may not want to go back into the hell hole, but it's comfortable. I know what to expect. I know I'll drop the weight, I'll sleep long hours and I know I'll feel horrible every day because I know I'm not worth it.

But what if I'm not worth it in the real world? That no matter what my efforts will be, I'm terrified I'll never amount to anything. I know I have loft goals, but are they worth it? Can I be the therapist I know I want to be? Will I make a change in the world of others? I've been seeing therapist for 10 years or so, and so far I've been let down by most of them. Can I be a therapist that actually works?

I just want to be happy again, to be able to function on a daily basis and to maybe one day. make the difference I need to so people like me have a chance at living.