Sleepless in Sioux City

I'm back to restless nights. Mostly because I've run out of my night time med that helps calm my thoughts and lets me finally get rest I deeply deserve. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to do breathing exercises to help me sleep, counting sheep, anything to help. But nothing worked.

I've been feeling good the last few days, but last night was a slight set back. I made a point to go out of my way to get on top of my issues for today. Like getting my meds switched over to Sioux City and what not.

I even went on a walk outside today. I had to call my mom and let her hear the wind over the phone so she'd get off my case about not working out to help defeat my depression. Regular exercise is helpful to those who suffer from depression. I just lack the motivation to get out and do it because I'm not a land person, I'm a swimmer till the end. I just have to suck it up.

Even though I didn't sleep last night, I still feel pretty good today. Maybe I just needed extra sunshine today.

Dreams Become Reality One Choice At a Time

I woke up this morning and made the conscious decision that today was going to be a great day!

I got a text from my older sister telling me to "Kick today in the face." And that's exactly what I'm doing. I had a "jam session" today with two friends before class, I was attentive in class today and I have a good feeling that therapy is going to be pretty good today.

Why?

Because I said so dammit!

I got two packages in the mail today from  my mom. Those are always exciting. You never know what you're going to get from my  mom. That's what makes her packages awesome!

Today just feels like a positive day. There is no other way to describe it. I just feel so good today. I haven't felt like this in months. It's pretty rare that I don't feel like I'm dragging along, feeling worthless or hopeless.

My last few posts have been slightly whinny in the sense that I complain about things. In reality, I'm just trying to explain what is going on. Granted the weight issue thing is a lot of complaining. But you have to realize. I'm barely 5 feet tall. Any extra weight is a bad thing. So for that I apologize for all the whining.

Hopelessly devoted to......

I feel hopeless. Even helpless these days. Like i'm not worth it, or whatever I do isn't worth doing. I've gained all my weight back, rather rapidly. So I feel disgusted with myself for letting the weight come back. I'm also a swimmer, so I don't really know how to work out on land.

These are not acceptable excuses for my hopeless feelings. I'm just not ready to be a part of the "real world" yet. I want to go back home and keep slowly getting better everyday.

The head of my department asked if I wanted to take the semester off and work on my issues. I would love to do that.

Work on my artwork during the day at the studio, clean the house and start dinner, go sit in the library. That would be wonderful.

But I can't do that. If I do that, I won't ever grow and develop. I need to develop the strength to keep me from falling back into the hell I just left.

My Nana always said "You can do something for a small amount of time"

She's right. I can do the 15 weeks and graduate. I just can't let this overwhelm me. If I isolate myself I'm not doing myself any favors.

I know all these things but I still continue to not listen to my own advice. That seems to be the problem most days. I can give advice, no problem. Taking my own advice, my slim.

Overwhelmed with a side of Paranoia

I'm overwhelmed with life. And overly paranoid and sensitive about people interacting with me. I know these feelings with go away soon enough, but for now I'm acting very strange because I don't know how to interact with others yet.

I've always been socially awkward. Mostly because I'm awesome and have no issue discussing anything and everything. I'm out spoken and loud. Which equals to being awesome, but I digress.

I feel like there is a neon sign above my head with arrows saying "This person has a mental illness and should be shunned"

I don't want to be shunned! I'm too cool for that! (I'm very humble I know.)

I'm still reserved from how I used to interact with people. I'm not as willing to participate in fun activities. Like last night, my best friend asked me to hang out with her and her boyfriend. Generally, that's not a big deal. I love spending time with her and her boyfriend is pretty legit (that's right, approval has been given.) But 10:30 hit and I was ready for bed. I retreated back into my room. I stay in my room a lot because it's "safe" I don't have a roommate, I don't have to interact with people unless I have to.

It's my shell. I know the signs of me slipping back into depression, but I don't feel like I am at this point. I just like being alone.

I don't want to become overwhelmed to where I do drastic things like stop going to class, or shutting down.

I cannot shut down this semester. Graduation is almost here and I need to finish out strong.

It just seem easier said than done at this point. I have so many expectations of me from my peers and my professors that if I fail, I feel like I would be failing the whole world. Even though I know they wouldn't be disappointed in me if I try my best, it's still just an overwhelming feeling of defeat that is inevitable. And I don't want that. It's hard to keep pushing forward when I'm overly sensitive to how people interact with me.

I just want to go back home where I know it's safe.

What's with all the rules?!

Today, I just want to bitch and moan and complain about stuff. Why? Because that's how I feel today. There is an overcast outside, and an overcast over my mood. I'm 21 years old, most 21 year olds aren't trying to beat a battle of depression. What are they doing? Enjoying the fact that they can drink what they want, do what they want, party, have fun in the sense of what 21 year olds wait for.

I don't drink very often for this to be a real problem. Except the fact that I love wine and if I had the funds, would drink it more often. Now I can't at all, ever. Because my meds said No. My mom says No.

I'm one of those people you cannot say No to, because once that word is uttered I'm off doing it because, well dammit I don't like to follow rules.

My dad still makes the dumb joke of "I try to teach my oldest it's okay to break some rules and my second oldest that it's okay to follow the rules" (Joke is dumb dad, just saying.)

I follow most rules, I just don't like them. I find rules to be ridiculous, even if they are necessary. How can I live a "normal" life when I have all these restrictions? 

Jumping through hoops and watching the red tape shouldn't be apart of that. 

I understand and not delusional to the whole concept of rules. They are to keep us safe and what not. But  it just feels like I can't do anything.

I know this is all based off of perspective. But I still have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box because I can't do the things other people are doing.

I shouldn't get mad or upset because I don't really do anything to start with. I'm kind of a home-body. I like my movies, live off of popcorn and don't mind staying in sweats all day.

I just want to be able to have options of what I can do. Not have rules looming over me.

One Day at a Time

So I went to two of my three classes yesterday. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I tried my breathing exercise, didn't help. Took a med, kinda helped. Laid down in the fetal position, worked. Weird, I know, but it helped and that's all I asked for.

I did most of studio today too. What made studio weird today was someone who I used to be close to gave me a gold frame what looks really cool, and said it made her think of me. I haven't talked to her since Halloween when we had a fight.

Things like that make me ponder, are they being nice in a way of "peace offering" or are they trying to fuck with me. (I usually pick the former, makes it seem less paranoid)

That gesture today made studio a lot less scary for me. It felt that she lifted the weight off my shoulders because weren't going to have a bad omen over us during class.

I got asked if I was going to produce the same work that I did at home, in this studio class. I honestly don't think I can. The reasoning being, my mom's studio is a safe place. It's a happy place, you're not allowed to be crabby in the studio because that ruins everyone's fun.

The studio on campus isn't safe. It's not a happy place. It's crowded and overly arrogant because you must use your "artsy words" and sound snobbish.

You don't have to use those kind of words in my mom's studio. You can express your work in a free will established environment

I want to go back home. But I won't. I will get more social and better at dealing with the day. It's going to take forever though. Butt I can work through it one day at a time.

First Day Back

Today was my first day back at school. I woke up early, ate breakfast, got dressed and headed off to class. No big deal right? Wrong. I was so strung out and so on edge that I left halfway through. I only had one class today, and I couldn't even do it. I couldn't last the entire time in Studio.

Am I really that pathetic?

No, because I came back. I could have stayed in the safety of my home and my mom's studio. Instead I came back to campus, faced one of my mentally abusive courses and woke up to the idea of having a great day today.

I did for the most part. Studio usually gets on my nervous because of the ego's people through around. (You're undergraduate artist, keep that in mind children) That's not to "dis" the people in Studio, I have seen some of the most amazing pieces come out of studio, I just become irritated with the false self worth.

But if I can't handle one class today, how can I handle three classes tomorrow? Luckily I have my psych department for two of the classes that I have to have tomorrow. I'm also thankful for the two hour break I get in between classes.

It just bothers me that I can become so frazzled so easily. I know that I can only take it one day at a time. I just want to go back to the way I was, but happier and healthier. Instead of having to interact with everyone like I'm walking on egg shells.

This really sucks.

Do I Have To?

Today I have to go back to Sioux City to finish out my senior year. I no longer get to stay in the safety and comfort of my mom's house and studio. I have to go play with the other kids in the real world. I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll relapse and go back into the hell hole I just got done climbing out of.

I'm scared people will see some neon sign above my head that say (in the words of my best friend) "This Bitch Is CRAZY!"

Even though I'm scared, I woke up feeling great. I'm going to have a good day today. I've decided that as soon as I woke up. I felt great, my thoughts weren't racing, I didn't feel rushed. It was peaceful.

I don't get too many peaceful moments in my life. I'm always on edge, be it from over stimulation or my thoughts won't shut up. I'm always on the move, be it physically or mentally. I never get a chance to stop and rest.

I finally got the rest these past few weeks and I don't want to give it up. It feels so wonderful. Very tranquil.

I only have 15 weeks left of my college career. That seems really simple, but for me that feels like a life time. Especially when I have to work with a department that doesn't get me. Thankfully the Psych department is there to fall back on. Along with my two best friends on campus.

It's fun having friends that stick around. I don't get that very often. Usually my "friends" ditch me after a while because I'm too much to handle.

It goes to show you who your real friends are and who aren't. I'm just happy I have two that stick through everything with me. It means a lot to me. A lot more then people expect.

Getting A Chance to Live...

Still in a fog today. I slept well, woke up covered in sweat. Maybe it was a nightmare I don't remember? Everyday is a nightmare. Finally went and spent some time with people outside the comfort of my home or my mom's studio. I couldn't look most people in the eye, thinking they knew what was wrong with me. That I'm some form of a freak because I lack certain forms of social skills. I was had fun, and I'm glad I did it, but I still feel like people are looking at me with a certain look of disdain.

Like I'm not a real person, just a sheep in people's clothing. It's going to take "time" to get back to "normal" What is normal? Normal is an unattainable goal that I think I'm never going to get it. Mostly because normalcy is not a real thing. No one is normal. We act how society depicts us to be and work form their. Society decides that I'm a freak because I have a mental issue. Well jokes on you society! Almost everyone has some form of mental illness. Be it depression, all the way up to schizophrenia and everywhere in between.

Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.

I'm stuck in this hyper-sensitive limbo. I am lucky enough to have the break I need to get back on track, but I can tell my family is worried how I'll do once I'm back out on my own.

Will I be safe? Will I harm myself? Will I use all the tools at my disposal to get better? I don't know any of these answers for certain. I want to say I'll be fine and I'll never go back into the hell hole I just left, but I can feel myself slipping back into it. I know what I need to do to keep myself out of it, but it just seems like so much effort for a world I don't remember.

I may not want to go back into the hell hole, but it's comfortable. I know what to expect. I know I'll drop the weight, I'll sleep long hours and I know I'll feel horrible every day because I know I'm not worth it.

But what if I'm not worth it in the real world? That no matter what my efforts will be, I'm terrified I'll never amount to anything. I know I have loft goals, but are they worth it? Can I be the therapist I know I want to be? Will I make a change in the world of others? I've been seeing therapist for 10 years or so, and so far I've been let down by most of them. Can I be a therapist that actually works?

I just want to be happy again, to be able to function on a daily basis and to maybe one day. make the difference I need to so people like me have a chance at living.

Foggy Day

I don't know what to talk about today. I'm getting better everyday, including the days I have major set backs. Like two days ago, I cried about five times for no real reason. Just sat down and cried. The next day, I didn't cry once. Today, I feel lethargic. (love that word) I don't want to do anything. One of my best friends asked if I wanted to play board games today. I Said yes, even though I really don't want to do anything today. But I can't keep putting off being interactive with the real world. I have to push through the fog and the comfort of being alone.

I know it's okay to be alone some times. But it's better to be around people, especially people who love you. By sitting around and isolating myself, I'm not doing myself any favors. I'm making it worse for me. I'm just feeding the depression.

I need to break through the fog and find the sunshine. (Mostly because sunshine helps the endorphin's in your brain and make you happy by reacting with the dopamin.... Yep nerd speak, it's gunna happen)

I really want to veg out and watch tv. Stuff my face with comfort food. But that's not going to make me better, it's going to make me fatter and more pissed that I'm not 125 like when I entered college. Granted when I entered college I had just finished 4 years of swim team and had a pretty rockin' bod, but i digress.

I just feel like I'm always in a fog. That no one notices me because I'm easily misplaced. I don't make an impact on anyone. I'm just that short girl on campus who drives that shitty van. (Negative self talk is one of the cues of depression coming back. It'll never fully go away, but you can always work to keep in tack. I struggle with this daily. Negative self talk is more harmful than being negatively talked at by peers in my book. Especially with me since my mind is always racing and always talking.)

I'm not asking for people to go out of their way to recognize me. I just feel slightly useless on this planet.

But that's one thing I need to push through, this negative self talk needs to stop. Now.

Bouncing Around

Today I feel like crap. Mentally and physically. I hurt everywhere because I worked out yesterday. For those who know me, I don't work out. It's hard and I'm a big baby some times. But I did it anyways yesterday. It was a Father, Daughter bonding run/walk on the treadmill and sitting in the sauna. Followed by a Father, Daughter dinner date.

Yay bonding with my daddy! Good stuff.

But I feel like I'm in a fog today. As if I've put my autopilot on and just going with the motions. All I really want to do is go home and cuddle up with my kindle. Eat lots of crappy food, which is probably a bad idea, but hey, shit happens.

I know I'm a stress eater. When I eat all the time, that causes weight gain, BUT I'm awesome enough to where I hold my weight really well. No one would ever guess I was a 150lbs. (For serious folks, I checked the scale this morning) It also helps that I don't dress like a hoochie and wear really tight clothes.

Stupid hoochies.

This post kinda jumps around, but that's what is going on in my head. My thoughts are racing again and I can't put a stop to it really. They're just bouncing around. Can't really stop them.

I'm pushing myself harder than I should these days to have good days and to be on top of everything. It's kind of stressful and is counter productive. I need to work on that.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I'll be having a great day, all smiles and happy thoughts and out of no where I want to cry my eyes out. I don't know what the triggers are. I can't take my anti-anxiety medication because I was a genius and developed a kidney infection. Apparently antibiotics and anti-psychotics don't mix.

Fuck.

So I can't use all the tools I've been given to make me "better". Thankfully I'll be done with the antibiotics soon.

When I say emotional roller coaster, I'm sure some people think of pregnant women and their hormones where they cry at the drop of a hat. That's kind of like what's going on, except I'm not pregnant and it's not because of hormones. I'm still climbing my way out of the worst depression I have ever had.

Considering I'm only 21, most people wouldn't think that what has happened the last few months has been that bad. But it has. When professors, friends, and family notice you're no longer your bubbly, talkative, overly excited self, or when you can't think of one possible reason to get out of bed for days at a time, shit kinda hits the fan.

I've always have had passive thoughts about suicide. But I never thought I'd act on them. I would always reasons with myself
"You're not weak enough for that"
"It would add more financial stress to Mom and Dad"
"Do you know how much effort that would take"

The last one is a gem, I know. But I also have the issue of being majorly depressed and having random bursts of energy. Those are two scary elements. When people become depressed they don't want to do anything, but with the random bits of energy, I had the movement to actually act out these thoughts.

I finally tried a few weeks ago, but I talked myself out of it just in time. I had done it long enough to have marks around my neck and to scare myself and those around me enough to put me in the hospital.

I'm still trying to level out my emotional roller coaster. I'm taking it one day at a time. It's harder than it seems but I'm going to persevere. Mostly because I'm too stubborn to give up.

Shaken, Not Stired

Each day is better than the last. Or at least it was until I had the rug swept out from under me. I had a professor ask me if the work I had been doing at home was actually mine or my mother's work. Complete lack in confidence and worthlessness has struck me. What the hell do you mean is it my mom's work?! I fucking did the work! AND I worked really fucking hard on it too! I even sent pictures to show you that I was working! But of course those could have been staged! Bullshit! I'm not mentally capable at this time to be deceiving.

Some people are beyond ignorant to what mental illness does to a person. I may not have physical scars but my mental scars go a mile deep and a mile wide. I took myself to the darkest pits of hell and I am slowly pulling myself out everyday. That question has put me back to where I started and I don't want to have to crawl back out again, but I will because I do not need to live my life in a black hole. I need the light to survive.

I have no clue if I'm being accused of academic dishonestly, or what but I'm still shaken up. The work I presented was by far the best work I have done in my life and I am so proud of it. But to have my credibility questioned put an ugly light over all that I've accomplished.

The Art Department is a bitter bitch.

Clearing Things Up...

So, I think I should have warned people about a few things first.

First off, I am honest to a fault. I'm not going to sugar coat things, especially things about my past to people. If I'm going to give people an example I'm going to use my life as one. I have no problem sharing information, stories, or experiences.

So if my last post shocked some of you, I apologize. But I'm not going to take is down. Its the truth, and I only post the truth.

Well, the truth as I see it.

Revelations

So I've come to terms with my mental illness in a really short amount of time. I know that if my depression was a cancer, I would do anything in my power to get treated and healthy again, right? Right. I need to take the steps to be healthy again. Being depressed is like living in a small box. You never really go outside the box, because inside you know it's safe, slightly warm and controlled, environment wise.

Outside the box, well, outside the box is Hell.

Monsters in every ally and behind every tree. Giving you reason to give up and die. You never do anything you're supposed to do, and even if you do, it's wrong. You have no where to turn, no light to shine and banish the harsh dreams.

But you stay there anyways, because you know what to expect. It's "comfortable", but it's not healthy or a smart idea to stay there. Working to leave the blackened hell-hole is terrifying.

People with depression disorders are more likely to commit suicide, because falling back into that depression is the worst possible feeling for them. They never want to go back there.

There being hell.

It's easier to give up than to fight. Fighting takes so much more than you're willing or even capable of giving at times. This is where I'm at. But if you know who I am, you'll know I'm too damn stubborn to fall back into my hell.

Not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone has a support system like mine. I am blessed for my family and my professors and my friends for sticking with me.

Three weeks ago, I tried to kill myself because I was ashamed of my behavior and I was tired of being in hell. It seemed the only way out. My support system thought differently and I'm so thankful for that.

Death is never the answer. Ever.

Howdy....

Hey there folks out in the "blogesphere".

My name is Kelsey and I'm 21.
I love the color Red.
I'm a senior in college.
I like flowers.

Alright, now that the semantics are over, let's get down to the real stuff.  I'm writing this blog because I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. In all actuality that's not news to me, but whatever. I'm doing this I have an outlet and can "express myself".

But seriously folks. I'm writing so that maybe out in internet-land, I could help someone with my past. I'm not perfect, my siblings like to remind me of that constantly. (Still love them though)

I just want to let people out there know, they're not alone.

Shit happens, to everyone. It just depends on how you deal with it.