Blurring of Days

It seems like my days are blurred into one day.  I can't focus, I'm quiet and reserved. I feel out of place. The weather outside doesn't help much. Such yucky weather these days. Snow, and cold.

Not a fan.

I can't wait for spring to come. When I can open my dorm room window, smell the flowers blooming, bird chirping instead of the weird sounds coming from my neighbors.

Oh the life of a college student.

I feel like my head is spinning and I can't stop. Always on the move. Thoughts firing ever few nanoseconds. No real peace.

There never is any peace.

Good Days to Come

Today is a good day.  I've been having a lot more ups and downs these days.  Mostly because I have a head cold, and a cold makes everything worse.  I've been feeling down about my weight lately.  I know I should be happy that I'm eating again (I wouldn't eat for days during my last depressive episode)

I know I need to push myself in order for me to work out. But I find it difficult to get the motivation I need to succeed.  I just don't know how to keep going once I start working out. I know eventually I will learn to crave it, but right now I just feel like I need to focus on classes and everything else that my health gets put on the back burner. Which isn't right. I need to make a constant reminder to take care of me physically not just mentally. If I can go the the depths of hell and back, then I think I can work out.

Plus, if I work out I will create endorphins that will help stabilize my brain into having more better days. Everything is connect. You can't escape it.

Head Cold

So fighting depression isn't enough these days. I go out and get a head cold to make life better. Right, right. Well eff. I can't go anywhere is seems without getting into some sort of mischife.  I feel like I'm in a fog from the depression then the head cold makes it feel 10x worse because that's what head colds do.

Make shit worse.

On the positive note, I FINALLY got my paper work fixed and I'm seeing people in Sioux City.  It was a lot harder than it needed to be, but what can you do about courts? Nothing. They suck, just like head colds.

I know I have things I need to get done today, but all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny ball and sleep this thing away.  That would be lovely, a day of sleep.

Inner Battles

Lately I've been having some personal battles. In regards that I'm having a inner-monologue type of battles. I need to make some real changes in my life if I ever expect to get better.

I need to focus on my goals and actually achieve them.  And not half-assed, I want to feel like I actually achieved something. Be it in regards to my degree, or in my personal life.

I need to take a real look at my life and make the decision on if I want to continue on this path of self destruction or the path to where I won't be setting myself up for failure.

Anxiety Attacks

I have anxiety attacks regularly.

The other day I woke up from a pretty decent sleep from an anxiety attack.  My ears were ringing, my heart pounding and it was hard to breathe.  I don't know what set it off. I never really know what sets them off.  I can be walking down the hall and start to breathe heavy, get dizzy and feel closed off.

I never really know when I'm going to get one.

I try doing the breathing exercises I was given during my hospital stay.  But they don't seem to work.

I hate having anxiety attacks. They make me feel weak. I'm too stubborn to let them bring me down though.

Home for the Weekend

I'm really excited to be home for the weekend. I get to "recharge" and work on how I'm going to tackle the rest of the semester. I like coming home. It means hot water and water pressure, free laundry, food, and love.

It feels safe when I'm home.

I don't have to pretend that I'm doing great or have to act like nothing happened. I'm allowed to put my defenses down and breathe.

I can some what do this at school, but it's not the same. I have people there that understand and know what happened, but it feels forced to be okay. (on my part)

It just feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders when I come home. It feels peaceful and relaxing to finally be able to breathe.

I have some professors walking on egg shells around me and don't know how to talk to me now because of what had happened.

Don't worry folks, I'm not a ticking time bomb any more. I've got my shit together. Granted I should have seen this coming, the professors I'm talking about don't know how to talk to me in the first place. They kind of suck.

I also feel guilty that I haven't asked for help yet. People have been giving me help and reminders that they're there for me. I appreciate all that they've offered and I know they care, I just don't want to feel like charity. I've always been too stubborn for my own good, but still.

I just need to suck it up or something. I don't know.

"Stuck"

Lately I've been using the term "stuck" a lot.

What I mean by stuck is, I feel like I'm not able to move about as I wish to. Like I'm glued on this one thought track that isn't positive. I'm like a broken record

"You suck" "No one really cares what you have to say" "Give up"

These thoughts and many more are always running through my head. I have to work 10x harder to be proactive in my mental health care.

And all I want to do is give up, it seems so much easier than pushing through.

But I always give up.

I'm not going to be stuck forever. It's about damn time I kicked this depression in the face. (Quote from Carolyne, slightly altered to fit this discussion)

Slipping

So yesterday I posted on Facebook that I was slowly slipping back into my depression. I got called out on it. Yes, I do feel more down than I have been the past few weeks, but then again I have the tools now to fix these small hiccups in will run into.

I just feel rather down in the dumps, to put it simply. I've also been on campus for the past two weeks, trying my best to do everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm burning up all my energy just to make it to class. It's getting really hard to focus again.

I just want a weekend where I can go home and recharge. I think that may do the best for me. At the same time I don't want to always run home to feel better. I need to work on cooping skills by myself so I can make it in the real world after college.

Who am I kidding, I'm going home for a year after college. There is no real world for me yet.

Uncomfrotable.

Lately I've been feeling uncomfortable in my body. During my depression I had lost almost 20 pounds because I never ate anything. I didn't feel like eating, I couldn't get myself to eat so the pounds just fell off. Now, I'm eating on a regular basis, generally three times a day. I try to work out, but I find it hard to push myself into working out more and more these days, even though I have a challenge between myself and my older sister. I still would rather just curl up in bed and not do anything.

I think it has a lot to do with the weather. Right now it's cold and super foggy. Perfect snuggling and watching movie weather. Unforgivably I'm stuck in the library working on homework.  I'd rather stay in bed all day and be wearing sweats.

But I have to get this shit done. One way or another.

Thinking

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm really thankful for what I have in front of me. Friends that love me and will stand by my side through thick or thin, family that is finally coming around to see that I'm not the monster my mental illness causes me to be.

Today I was cuddling with my best friend in her dorm room (yeah, we're cool.) She was asking how I was doing. I'm so thankful I have her keeping me in line and making sure I'm doing what I need to do.

Thank you Caiti.

Cloudy Overcast

I feel rather lethargic today. Like there is a cloud over me. I would love to go home and recharge, but I made a promise I would go to a dance this weekend. I need to be social. Besides, I'm not the angry person I used to be. I'm happier and less crabby.  I just don't want to get all dressed up. I'm slightly lazy.  Mostly because I don't like getting all dolled up. I'm more comfortable with sweats and t-shirts.

I'll still go, don't get me wrong. I haven't worn my New Years Eve dress,  I was slightly tied up and not able to wear it.  So I want to wear it out on Saturday.  I know I'm being counterproductive and contradicting myself. But I'm still flip flopping my decision on going or not. As much as I'd love to go home, I need to be more social and more open to spending time outside my room.

Holding Court

So the courts have messed everything up.

I haven't seen anyone for my meds yet and I'm running out. I'm tired of calling the hospital in Carroll to get refills because I'm waiting for the court to contact my therapist and get me court ordered to Sioux City.

(The courts were involved in my hospitalization. It was the safest route for me at the time.)

I'm frustrated and upset. I need my medication so I can function normally and not go back into the hell I just escaped from.  It's just so frustrating. Being so proactive in my mental health care and have so many hurtles to jump so others are on the same page as me.

All I want is to get better. It feels like I can't take a step forward without going three steps back. It's all counter productive and irritating.

I have broken down and cried twice already because of how frustrating this is. I know I sound erratic and overly sensitive to all of this, but in the end all I want is to be mentally stable and I can't do that if I can't get the necessary medication.

I can only take one day at a time. That's all I can ask of myself.

Challenge Accepted

Since I greatly dislike working out, my sister has offered a challenge. To see who can earn more points by my graduation. Every half hour counts as one point, if you reach a certain amount of points by the end of the week, you earn x amount of points.

This is going to work swimmingly, mostly because we're both super stubborn and competitive. So it's on Carolyne dude.

I think this is really going to work out for both of us.