Sleepless in Sioux City

I'm back to restless nights. Mostly because I've run out of my night time med that helps calm my thoughts and lets me finally get rest I deeply deserve. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to do breathing exercises to help me sleep, counting sheep, anything to help. But nothing worked.

I've been feeling good the last few days, but last night was a slight set back. I made a point to go out of my way to get on top of my issues for today. Like getting my meds switched over to Sioux City and what not.

I even went on a walk outside today. I had to call my mom and let her hear the wind over the phone so she'd get off my case about not working out to help defeat my depression. Regular exercise is helpful to those who suffer from depression. I just lack the motivation to get out and do it because I'm not a land person, I'm a swimmer till the end. I just have to suck it up.

Even though I didn't sleep last night, I still feel pretty good today. Maybe I just needed extra sunshine today.

Dreams Become Reality One Choice At a Time

I woke up this morning and made the conscious decision that today was going to be a great day!

I got a text from my older sister telling me to "Kick today in the face." And that's exactly what I'm doing. I had a "jam session" today with two friends before class, I was attentive in class today and I have a good feeling that therapy is going to be pretty good today.

Why?

Because I said so dammit!

I got two packages in the mail today from  my mom. Those are always exciting. You never know what you're going to get from my  mom. That's what makes her packages awesome!

Today just feels like a positive day. There is no other way to describe it. I just feel so good today. I haven't felt like this in months. It's pretty rare that I don't feel like I'm dragging along, feeling worthless or hopeless.

My last few posts have been slightly whinny in the sense that I complain about things. In reality, I'm just trying to explain what is going on. Granted the weight issue thing is a lot of complaining. But you have to realize. I'm barely 5 feet tall. Any extra weight is a bad thing. So for that I apologize for all the whining.

Hopelessly devoted to......

I feel hopeless. Even helpless these days. Like i'm not worth it, or whatever I do isn't worth doing. I've gained all my weight back, rather rapidly. So I feel disgusted with myself for letting the weight come back. I'm also a swimmer, so I don't really know how to work out on land.

These are not acceptable excuses for my hopeless feelings. I'm just not ready to be a part of the "real world" yet. I want to go back home and keep slowly getting better everyday.

The head of my department asked if I wanted to take the semester off and work on my issues. I would love to do that.

Work on my artwork during the day at the studio, clean the house and start dinner, go sit in the library. That would be wonderful.

But I can't do that. If I do that, I won't ever grow and develop. I need to develop the strength to keep me from falling back into the hell I just left.

My Nana always said "You can do something for a small amount of time"

She's right. I can do the 15 weeks and graduate. I just can't let this overwhelm me. If I isolate myself I'm not doing myself any favors.

I know all these things but I still continue to not listen to my own advice. That seems to be the problem most days. I can give advice, no problem. Taking my own advice, my slim.

Overwhelmed with a side of Paranoia

I'm overwhelmed with life. And overly paranoid and sensitive about people interacting with me. I know these feelings with go away soon enough, but for now I'm acting very strange because I don't know how to interact with others yet.

I've always been socially awkward. Mostly because I'm awesome and have no issue discussing anything and everything. I'm out spoken and loud. Which equals to being awesome, but I digress.

I feel like there is a neon sign above my head with arrows saying "This person has a mental illness and should be shunned"

I don't want to be shunned! I'm too cool for that! (I'm very humble I know.)

I'm still reserved from how I used to interact with people. I'm not as willing to participate in fun activities. Like last night, my best friend asked me to hang out with her and her boyfriend. Generally, that's not a big deal. I love spending time with her and her boyfriend is pretty legit (that's right, approval has been given.) But 10:30 hit and I was ready for bed. I retreated back into my room. I stay in my room a lot because it's "safe" I don't have a roommate, I don't have to interact with people unless I have to.

It's my shell. I know the signs of me slipping back into depression, but I don't feel like I am at this point. I just like being alone.

I don't want to become overwhelmed to where I do drastic things like stop going to class, or shutting down.

I cannot shut down this semester. Graduation is almost here and I need to finish out strong.

It just seem easier said than done at this point. I have so many expectations of me from my peers and my professors that if I fail, I feel like I would be failing the whole world. Even though I know they wouldn't be disappointed in me if I try my best, it's still just an overwhelming feeling of defeat that is inevitable. And I don't want that. It's hard to keep pushing forward when I'm overly sensitive to how people interact with me.

I just want to go back home where I know it's safe.

What's with all the rules?!

Today, I just want to bitch and moan and complain about stuff. Why? Because that's how I feel today. There is an overcast outside, and an overcast over my mood. I'm 21 years old, most 21 year olds aren't trying to beat a battle of depression. What are they doing? Enjoying the fact that they can drink what they want, do what they want, party, have fun in the sense of what 21 year olds wait for.

I don't drink very often for this to be a real problem. Except the fact that I love wine and if I had the funds, would drink it more often. Now I can't at all, ever. Because my meds said No. My mom says No.

I'm one of those people you cannot say No to, because once that word is uttered I'm off doing it because, well dammit I don't like to follow rules.

My dad still makes the dumb joke of "I try to teach my oldest it's okay to break some rules and my second oldest that it's okay to follow the rules" (Joke is dumb dad, just saying.)

I follow most rules, I just don't like them. I find rules to be ridiculous, even if they are necessary. How can I live a "normal" life when I have all these restrictions? 

Jumping through hoops and watching the red tape shouldn't be apart of that. 

I understand and not delusional to the whole concept of rules. They are to keep us safe and what not. But  it just feels like I can't do anything.

I know this is all based off of perspective. But I still have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box because I can't do the things other people are doing.

I shouldn't get mad or upset because I don't really do anything to start with. I'm kind of a home-body. I like my movies, live off of popcorn and don't mind staying in sweats all day.

I just want to be able to have options of what I can do. Not have rules looming over me.

One Day at a Time

So I went to two of my three classes yesterday. I had an anxiety attack right before class. I tried my breathing exercise, didn't help. Took a med, kinda helped. Laid down in the fetal position, worked. Weird, I know, but it helped and that's all I asked for.

I did most of studio today too. What made studio weird today was someone who I used to be close to gave me a gold frame what looks really cool, and said it made her think of me. I haven't talked to her since Halloween when we had a fight.

Things like that make me ponder, are they being nice in a way of "peace offering" or are they trying to fuck with me. (I usually pick the former, makes it seem less paranoid)

That gesture today made studio a lot less scary for me. It felt that she lifted the weight off my shoulders because weren't going to have a bad omen over us during class.

I got asked if I was going to produce the same work that I did at home, in this studio class. I honestly don't think I can. The reasoning being, my mom's studio is a safe place. It's a happy place, you're not allowed to be crabby in the studio because that ruins everyone's fun.

The studio on campus isn't safe. It's not a happy place. It's crowded and overly arrogant because you must use your "artsy words" and sound snobbish.

You don't have to use those kind of words in my mom's studio. You can express your work in a free will established environment

I want to go back home. But I won't. I will get more social and better at dealing with the day. It's going to take forever though. Butt I can work through it one day at a time.

First Day Back

Today was my first day back at school. I woke up early, ate breakfast, got dressed and headed off to class. No big deal right? Wrong. I was so strung out and so on edge that I left halfway through. I only had one class today, and I couldn't even do it. I couldn't last the entire time in Studio.

Am I really that pathetic?

No, because I came back. I could have stayed in the safety of my home and my mom's studio. Instead I came back to campus, faced one of my mentally abusive courses and woke up to the idea of having a great day today.

I did for the most part. Studio usually gets on my nervous because of the ego's people through around. (You're undergraduate artist, keep that in mind children) That's not to "dis" the people in Studio, I have seen some of the most amazing pieces come out of studio, I just become irritated with the false self worth.

But if I can't handle one class today, how can I handle three classes tomorrow? Luckily I have my psych department for two of the classes that I have to have tomorrow. I'm also thankful for the two hour break I get in between classes.

It just bothers me that I can become so frazzled so easily. I know that I can only take it one day at a time. I just want to go back to the way I was, but happier and healthier. Instead of having to interact with everyone like I'm walking on egg shells.

This really sucks.