Head in the Clouds

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on a cloud, not a happy cloud like cloud 9 more like cloud 2. A dark stormy cloud that is on the verge of breaking out into rain and lightening storms.  I have the over bearing feeling that some how I'm disappointing people

My school work is slipping, I have no drive to do the work I know I can produce. Instead I'm doing half assed work and not caring. That's not normal for me. I love school and don't mind homework, but the mixture of freedom from this never ending circle.

I'm almost done. I need the motivation to push through these last seven weeks of school to graduation.

Burnt Out

Lately I've mentally checked out. I just want to be done with school. I've been burning my candle at both ends for too long. I just want to have some time off and not have anything to do. Soon. But not soon enough.

I just want to be done with everything. To crawl into my room and not leave for a few days. Let me read a book that's not required for class. Or watch movies that don't have some form of lecture to go with it. 

I just want me time that isn't invaded by homework, study guides or papers. 

Sure I've had "breaks" but they don't really count. I still had homework to do. I wasn't left to do nothing. 

Do nothing, that sounds wonderful. Just to sit and not have to worry about deadlines. Soon enough I'll have that. Then its off to the real world where I have to work full time, pay off student loans, pay rent. 

Is there ever a break?

Dancing with Depression

Lately I feel like every step I take forward, I take two steps backwards. And yet, I feel like I'm in a state of contentment. I feel fine with a slight overcast of sadness. It could be the weather changing so much these days, or just because I'm nearing the end of my entire schooling career.

So many factors play a part in my life, it's hard to narrow it down to one thing. I have so much to do with so little enthusiasm behind it all.

I'm just so ready to be done.

Sunshine

So I've decided to take up running. Those who know me, understand that this is a big deal. Mostly because I'm a swimmer, I live in the water and have a hard time with these land work outs. I need to get healthy. Since I'm working on my mental health everyday I might as well add my physical well being.

Today I went on a mile long walk with my dad. It felt good to be outside. Sun shinning, warm breeze.

Sunshine is good for people with depression. It just makes people feel better in general. Exercise also makes people feel good. I could get into all the science gar-gin, but I won't bore you people out in the bloggestsphere.

It feels nice to actually going out and feeling better.

Failure to Launch

Today I talked to my mom about being a failure. I feel like a failure because after May 19th I'm moving back to my home town and moving back in with my mom. This makes me feel like I didn't amount to anything.

My mom pointed out that I'm no where near being a failure. (Besides my brother already called dibs on being the family failure and would be pissed if I took that away from him.)

I'm graduating on time with two majors and a minor. I'm battling depression and making a point to never go back to the depths of hell that I have been pushing out of for the past few months. I'm passionate about working with people with disabilities and to make a difference.

I will make a difference. Why? Because I give a damn!

I care about people and I'm a big cog in a small wheel. I can make someones life better by the work I want to pursue.

So what if I don't get my masters degree in art therapy? It's just a tittle and a lot of money. I can do free lance work and still make a difference.

More people need to realize that it doesn't matter what is after your name as long as you have the passion for what you're doing and you are happy.

Happiness is all that matters.

I need to keep this in mind. I get all worked up over the small things that I forget to be happy.

I don't know

I'm not sure what to blog about today.

Things are going much better. Graduation is almost here. (9 weeks, not that I'm counting) I feel better everyday.

Yesterday I found out my therapist is quitting so I don't have a therapist anymore. That's kind of frustrating, but at the same time I don't want to break in a new therapist when I'm leaving soon. I see no point in filling out more paper work, waiting a few weeks till they find me someone to talk to, by then I'll only have a few weeks left and I'm out of Sioux City. 

Granted I don't feel that my therapy sessions go very well. I mean, we talk and everything, it just seems like nothing ground breaking occurs.

This makes me question my profession choices. I want to be a therapist that actually makes a difference. Not a therapist who does nothing. I want to make ground breaking achievements and actually do some good for my future patients.  I don't want to go through the motions.

It makes me nervous for the future. What if I don't succeed in my goals? Is it all for not? I don't know. I won't know unless I try.

Taking it Day by Day

So, I was hospitalized again over the weekend. My meds were out of wack, mostly because I was trying to self medicate and it wasn't helping out at all. Self medicating usually doesn't help anyway, but I'm too stubborn to listen.  Things are finally back on track and I feel much better.

I decided to come back to school and finish out the week before spring break.  I don't want to run away and stay at home where it's safe. I need to face the world. I can't keep hiding.

It feels odd to be back since being hospitalized again. It feels like people expect me to transform into this sad depressed little girl who can't stand on her own two feet. I'm fine, I promise. I'm not going to break. This last time was just a small little hiccup that needed to be fixed. Nothing too strenuous.

I'm too stubborn to just walk away defeated. I'm going to kick this depression in the ass and do what I need to do, which is go to class and graduate on time.

That's my goal.

Not. Okay.

I am not okay. I don't know what it is, but I am not okay.

Something feels very off mentally. Like something has shifted. I know I'm not okay because I can close me eyes. Imagine myself driving down the road, seeing a semi coming my way, and casually slide over into the other lane into on coming traffic. I open my eyes and think "That doesn't sound too bad, I wouldn't do it."

What the hell!? I wouldn't do it?! I can think of it, what if I do do it?! What then? If I can think this shit up then what's to say I won't do it? I really hope I don't do it. That would really suck.

It just slightly scares me. That entire rant sounds psychotic, I promise I'm not crazy.

I just had this thought and I got scared.

What am I going to do? If I'm slipping I don't feel like I did when I sunk away. It feels different. I can't really describe it. But I just don't feel right.

I'm not okay. But I don't feel unsafe. I just feel so off and so out of it.