Color Me Pissed Off

Recently I've been waking up so pissed off that I have no clue what's causing it. I want to get into a huge fight with someone and let off some of this negative energy. I'm just so mad at the world and I don't know why.

I don't know what started it but I don't like it. All I want is to not be angry all the time. It comes out of no where. I'm tired of being angry all the time. It's a waste of energy. But no one really understands.

All I want to do is get into a fight with someone. It'll probably be over something stupid but I need to work this bad energy off somehow. I've worked out and that does not seem to help. I don't really know where to turn.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is really bad  today. I have so many negative thoughts running through my head. I can't turn them off. I just want to sit here and cry. It's too much to handle. I'm not good enough at my new job and I feel like I'm going to screw up majorly. I work with adults with mental disabilities. I did this in high school and loved it. But I'm in a new cottage and with new clients with more demands. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. Maybe I'm not meant to help people. Considering I can't even help myself.

I feel worthless with every day that passes. I can't shut the negative self talk off. It keeps getting worse as days go by.

You're worthless.

You're fat, you can't loose the weight you put on.

You're not worth it.

These keep going through my head. I can't shut it off. I'm not writing this post to get sympathy. No, "oh poor Kelsey" bullshit.

It's really hard to get through the day when all you hear inside your head. These thoughts are a daily occurrence. Normally I can drown them out but lately they seem to keep kicking my ass. My self esteem couldn't be lower these days.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Weight Loss Problems

Recently I have been trying to lose weight. I've gained back the weight I loss during my depression episode and then some back. But it's hard. It's hard because the medicine I am on is making this process difficult. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. This is the heaviest I've ever been. Granted to some people it may not be a lot but for someone my size, it's a pretty hefty amount. 

I don't know where to go with this. I've been proactive don't get me wrong. I got a personal trainer, I'm doing a weight loss program. It's just really frustrating. I'm stuck between lack of motivation every time I see myself in the mirror.

You would think, looking at my out of shape body would give me the motivation to get my ass into gear and change but it doesn't. It makes me feel horrible. I also have a problem with food. I love food that is bad for you. It's comfort food. I crave comfort foods.

It's hard to break bad habits.

Update

It's been a while since I've last posted something. I have exciting news. I'm officially hired. I will have a full time job by mid-June. How many college graduates can say they have a full time job, with benefits, within a month of graduating? My guess, is not many.

I start working out with a trainer tomorrow. I need to lose this weight really bad. I'm doing the Isagenix 30 day challenge. So far it's okay. I just need to keep myself in check when it comes to eating. I tend to eat when I'm bored. I feel like I should be doing something, so I eat.

I hope, since I'm being so proactive, things will work out. My depression seems to be in check. I hope that with this trainer, I can achieve a happy stage in my life where I don't need my medicine as much.  So I don't become dependent.

I don't really know what to talk about. Nothing is really going on. I graduated, I got a job, I'm working on making myself healthy. I'm finally an adult.

The Past Four Years

Tomorrow I take my last final of my undergraduate career. Saturday I take that final walk across the stage and receive my diploma.  Four years have gone by so fast. I can still remember being a freshman at orientation, lost and confused and so excited all at the same time. Meeting new people, making new friends. So many possibilities. So many new adventures.  Now, I reach the end of my four year stretch.

I still have unseen possibilities in my future, but I'll have to buckle down. Get a real job, be a "grown up".  I don't know if I'm ready. Sure, I have the ability to go out into the real world and succeed.  It just feels so weird being done.

I have so many things I want to do before I go off into the world and become an "adult". Sure, by standards of other's I am technically an adult. But I feel like I should be doing more things with my life besides going off into the work force.

I'm going back to work at the same place I worked while in high school. Yes, I have my degrees to help bring more to the metaphorical table, but I still feel like a "loser" because I'm working at the same place as I did in high school.

I'm also looking at my grades and my GRE score. Granted, I need to retake the GRE since I didn't do so hot the first time around. I'm not very good at tests. Especially big important tests that can dictate the chance of me getting into grad school. And I can't help but feel like I'm not going to make it into grad school. I mean, I'm not genius and I'm a pretty average student. I've heard the stories, I'm a C student. C students don't flourish in grad school.

This post was supposed to be about the past four years of my life, instead it has turned into a long worrying post about what's to come. I know I'm borrowing flashlights, (the same as making mountains out of mole hills. I just don't want to be a failure in people's eyes. I've worked too damn hard not to make something of myself.

I've been debating on posting this blog because I don't want people to think I'm not grateful for what I've accomplished.  I care what people think. It's almost like a disease. I care too much. I worry too much. But I'm working on it.

My Way

As I woke up this morning... Okay who am I kidding. I haven't gone to bed yet and it's 9:30 in the morning. Sleep is for the weak. But while I was in a caffeine induced cycle, it hit me that the end is near. Which proceeded to have My Way by Frank Sinatra start going in my head. My Way was my Nana's song. It speaks volumes to me.

The lyrics alone are how I feel. Nine days away until I take the final steps of my undergrad career and I walk across that stage and receive my diploma.

And I did it on my own. Sure I have the wonderful and loving support systems of family and friends behind me. But I actually did it. I got two degrees in four years. I fought internal demons and won. And through it all, I stood tall. (Well, as tall as one can be at only five feet high).

I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I won't give up

I won't give up.


I can't give up.

I've come so far.

I think about giving up almost everyday. That doesn't make me weak. Life shouldn't be so hard. But I truly believe that we are given whatever we can handle. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit. I'm graduating from College May 19th. Not many people thought I could do it. But I did.

There were so many times that I would call my mom crying just wanting to be done. Not caring anymore. I've sat in my room and weighed the options of staying in school and they never seemed worth staying. But I did it.

Now, looking into possible grad schools for next year, it seems like I can't do that either. But I will. I can't give up. Maybe I'll change my mind and not be an art therapist. Maybe I'll go into Occupational Therapy (It's a thought Nessa, I don't know yet).

I want to make a difference in the world. I don't care if I'm never famous, or fabulously rich. I want to make some one's life matter to them. I have so much to give. So much to offer.