Checked out

I have officially mentally checked out. I have three weeks left of my undergraduate career and I can't wait to be done. I have no motivation, no drive left to complete this semester. I just want to be done. I've reached my ending point. I'm burnt out to where I feel like my brain is mush.

But I need to keep pushing through, otherwise I'll end on a poor note. I need to get my drive back. It has been brought to my attention that I may have ADHD, (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). This makes sense but at the same time I don't want or need more labels thrown at me. I'm a walking DSM-IV it seems.

Positive Thoughts

Looking back at some of my past posts it seems that I whine alone. I don't intend to, my goal is to tell my life as it is happening. I'm really not that big of a baby that I can't deal with daily life. I somewhat feel like I'm not doing my main objective, which was to share with the world my life and my struggle with depression so that maybe somewhere out in the bloggestsphere I could help someone realize that they aren't alone.

I do feel lonely at times, and that the world is hard but I can handle it. I can handle anything for a short amount of time. That's what my Nana would say. She was a smart lady. Sometimes I wonder if I make her proud. She is no longer with me, otherwise I'd ask her myself. I like to think that she would be.

I miss her everyday, but I miss her the most when I can't seem to get through the day. Thankfully I have my mom and family to support me. I just need to focus on the positives in life instead of all the hardships I get faced with.

Like something that is currently positive: I am having an art show of my work from the past two years. My reception is tomorrow and I have already been asked if I was willing to sell any of my work for actual money! Real money! And not just for one paint, but for THREE! That's a big freaking deal!

Its things like that that I need to focus on. I can't let everything knock me down. I'm too stubborn to give up so easily. I just need to keep remembering that.

Forever Alone

Lately I've been noticing that I'm usually all alone. I might be paranoid but I feel like I'm becoming a burden to my friends. I'm just lonely. I feel like a burden on people. Not in the sense that I'd act on anything, but in the sense that people don't want me around. I don't have any scary thoughts or anything. I'm okay in that aspect.

I just have a feeling that people don't want me around. Like people wouldn't be to upset if I wasn't around. I feel so lonely and so closed off. I don't want to be a burden to people. I don't like that feeling.

I hate feeling so alone. I could be in a crowded room full of people I know and still feel so alone, like I'm cut off from the world.

Shattered Hopes

Recently I received the news that I won't be getting the dream job that I have been holding out for. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, and in fact most people wouldn't be so set back by it. But it put me in a whirlwind of negative emotions.

If I can't get a job that I am more than qualified for, would do amazing things for the company and create a future that would be so bright you'd need your sunglasses at night, then what am I doing in my field of study.

That seems over dramatic. But it's a big deal to me. I'm having a difficult time putting into words what I'm feeling without it being a big over dramatic rampage.

This was a serious blow to me mentally. I know I could have done wonderful things. No doubt about that. (That's not being egotistical, just facts)

It just sucks so much! I know I won't give up looking other places for the ideal job and getting out of college and having the ideal job would be unheard of. I know I need to work my way up and take on challenges. I'm not naive. I know I need to work for my career.

I was just hoping I was going to get the job that would have changed my world.

Normal isn't real

I'm back at school from Easter Break.  Having five days off to recharge was exactly what I needed. I feel better most days. Ever now and then I feel the evils of depression pushing through.  It's always at the back of my mind. I don't go a day without thinking about my mental health issues. How I won't ever be "normal"

But normal is only a cycle on the washing machine. There is no such thing.

It's a daily struggle, knowing I can't act like a 21 year old that I am. Like I can't go drinking with my friends, well I can, but being the only sober kid is boring. I know I can have fun without drinking but it feels like a privilege that I can't partake in.

I feel left out.

At least all my friends have a Designated Driver whenever they go out.

Think positive.

Freedom

Ever feel like you're all alone, even in a large crowd? I feel that way a lot. Even with people all around you, even interacting with you, you feel like no one is there and it's an unsettling feeling. When you're around friends and yet everyone is a stranger.

No one quite understands where you're coming from.  An overbearing feeling of judgement and disdain. You want to do the right thing, but you're uncertain of what that is.

You can't do anything right, you're under a microscope and people are looking at every move you take, categorized ever breath you take.

Nothing seems right.

Nothing is right.

You're all alone.

But you're not. You have the voices in your head telling you what to do and how to act. Even they judge you.

You have to realize those voices are just you, the negative self talk is too apparent in your daily life. You need to break the record and start fresh.

but starting fresh is never easy. Even on your worst days, good ones will eventually come along and you won't have to deal with the negative thoughts. They'll still be there, but you make the conscious effort not to listen.

One day, some day, you'll be free.