Whats the point?

So, it's been a good long while since I've posted.

Sorry about that world.

Actually, sorry not sorry. I've been living my life. Or at least trying to. I graduated from College in 2012, moved back home, moved out of my mom's and out on my own and it looks like that wasn't exactly the best option either.

I'm not doing well.

I haven't been doing well for a very long time. I'm slipping more and more into the black hole of hell each day and with each passing day it becomes more and more comforting being in there.

Why come out and face the world? What's the point? The voices in my head that constantly tell me that I'm not worth it are probably right anyway.

Who wants to put up with this bunch of crazy? Hell, even I don't want to put up with it most days. So I don't. I avoid and hide. It's what I'm good at.

I'm tired of people telling me I'm awesome or how strong I am. I'm not strong. I die inside everyday. Wanting, waiting for something to happen to where I don't have to feel anymore. Just be numb to the world. I want to be at the point where you pick me with a pin, I won't even say ow.

I'm tired of crying, tired of hating myself.

I'm not worth fixing. I've never been worth fixing.


I found an old sketch pad the other day. Started using it again as a journal/sketch pad/idea book. Something to keep my head straight when all it wants to do is swim in a pool of negativity. It hasn't been helping. I've written two pages full of negative things about myself. And I believe every single one of them.

Why shouldn't I? I have no proof to say otherwise. I am the horrible person I believe myself to be. So what's the point of fixing me?

Is there ever a point?

Are we all broken, just pretending to be in once piece? That's how it feels for me. I'll never be whole. I'm to broken to fix. I don't even think duct tape can fix this one..

Negative Self Talk Overload

My brain won't shut up. It's on a loop recording of negative self talk.

You suck at your job.

What's the point, you don't matter anyway.

You shouldn't even be in this field.

 

 I just don't care. Let the darkness fall. All I want is to stay on the couch all day, curled up and be left alone in a dark room. No one bother me, no interactions, nothing. I can't shut off the loop of negative thoughts. I don't want to pretend I'm okay anymore.

In Over My Head

In theory, I love the idea of therapy.
It's a great notion.
In actual practice, I hate therapy.


I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm rather ridiculous if you get to know me, but seriously. All I want is a therapist that is willing to work with the contradiction that is my life.

When I say contradiction, I mean, I want to get better, but I know there is a lot of baggage and crap I need to deal with, where it will probably get worse.  Because it always gets worse before it gets better. I digress, I really don't want to deal with all of that. I'd much rather pretend to be happy then actually work at becoming truly happy.


Why?

I don't know why honestly....

While typing this I reflected on how stupid I sound not wanting to truly be happy. For the longest time I have had the thought grounded into my mind that I wasn't worth saving.

Today I went with my mom with me to, yet again, a new therapist appointment. It was a free thirty minute session just to see if we mesh.  Instead of being a mature adult and being respectful, I got defensive and sassy.

The session ended way before it was supposed to with the therapist saying that we wouldn't "be a good fit". At this point, I honestly don't blame her. I was kind of a bitch. I'm sure my mother was real proud of me too...

I really just need to get my shit together...

Long Story Short

Hey World, long time no talk.
Sorry about that.

A lot has gone down since the last time I wrote.

A lot of good things and a lot of not so good things have gone on.

I got a letter saying I was no longer court ordered to see a therapist. I'm finally done with all the crap with last years incident. Things seemed to be going great. Until I got bucky and decided to stop taking my medication. At first it was because I wouldn't eat when I woke up so I didn't take my medicine, then I would just forget.

Its never a good thing to stop taking medication that's designated to help, cold turkey.

Circular thinking and speech become more and more apparent. It's pretty easy to tell when I haven't taken my medicine. I'm very antsy, agitated, sad, etc. I'm a complete roller coaster of emotions and attitudes. The only way to get better is if I have someone I can talk to and express myself towards. I haven't had very much luck with finding a "good" shrink. The last one I talked to talked about himself for 85% of the conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the right way to conduct a therapy session.

Lately I've been lost on what I want to do. Should I pursue my art career? Go and move to some place new and different. Enter art shows, create an amazing portfolio. Or, do I stay where I'm at? If I stay should I continue towards Art Therapy? Maybe I should just get my Masters in Counseling? I know I'm no where near being mentally stable enough to go out on my own yet. Granted, I have come an extremely long way since December, but I know I'm still not ready to be on my own yet.

I just hate being in my home town. I hated growing up here. I'm not a fan of this city. But, I have a good paying job, with clients that I adore. So I guess I should count my blessings.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

I know lately I haven't been posting. I've been busy. Lately my depression has been creeping up. I can feel myself slipping slowing back in to the black hole. I'm not sure what to do. I don't see anyone about my meds until the end of the month so an increase can't happen for a while. I'm trying to get an appointment with my therapist, but at this point I feel like that wouldn't really work.

I know the signs and symptoms of what's coming but I can't stop it. My appetite has gone down immensely, I ran out of my night time med so sleep is a hit a miss most nights. At least I'm not sleeping all day like I used to.

I've just hit a brick wall. I don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to get better. But I'm also useless when I'm this burnt out. I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. It's not bad enough to where I need to seek hospitalization, but it could develop into that if I don't do something about it.

Long time no blog

So I haven't posted in a while. I haven't had much going on besides working all the freaking time. One of the joys of being full time, you work all the time. Nothing really exciting has happened in my life. Mentally I've been doing pretty good. Granted I'm finding it hard to get out of bed most days. I'm not sure if it's because of the depression or if it's from working untill 11 o'clock at night and being wound up and can't sleep till 3 in the morning. My money is on the whole working till 11 o'clock and not falling asleep until 3 am.

I don't know what to talk about. Nothing is really going on in my life. I'm about to be made shift leader at work so that's pretty exciting. I'm a little nervous about it. It's a lot of responsibility. With more responsibility comes more stress. That's exactly what I need. More stress. Oh joy.

Off the band wagon

Lately I haven't been taking my medicine. I had it in my head that the medication was making me gain weight and all I want to do is be skinny again. I don't want to be dependent for the rest of my life either. I know this isn't going to help me out in the least but I have my own personal battles that I have to constantly face. 

I don't want to have this crutch all my life. It's hitting me that I can't function without my medicine. I feel trapped in a box that I can't get out of. But who knows, maybe in a few years, I won't need the medicine anymore and I'll be able to keep my life in order. 

It's a daily battle going on. I know I need to take my medicine but at the same time I don't want to be stuck taking it the rest of my life.