Off the band wagon

Lately I haven't been taking my medicine. I had it in my head that the medication was making me gain weight and all I want to do is be skinny again. I don't want to be dependent for the rest of my life either. I know this isn't going to help me out in the least but I have my own personal battles that I have to constantly face. 

I don't want to have this crutch all my life. It's hitting me that I can't function without my medicine. I feel trapped in a box that I can't get out of. But who knows, maybe in a few years, I won't need the medicine anymore and I'll be able to keep my life in order. 

It's a daily battle going on. I know I need to take my medicine but at the same time I don't want to be stuck taking it the rest of my life. 

Color Me Pissed Off

Recently I've been waking up so pissed off that I have no clue what's causing it. I want to get into a huge fight with someone and let off some of this negative energy. I'm just so mad at the world and I don't know why.

I don't know what started it but I don't like it. All I want is to not be angry all the time. It comes out of no where. I'm tired of being angry all the time. It's a waste of energy. But no one really understands.

All I want to do is get into a fight with someone. It'll probably be over something stupid but I need to work this bad energy off somehow. I've worked out and that does not seem to help. I don't really know where to turn.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is really bad  today. I have so many negative thoughts running through my head. I can't turn them off. I just want to sit here and cry. It's too much to handle. I'm not good enough at my new job and I feel like I'm going to screw up majorly. I work with adults with mental disabilities. I did this in high school and loved it. But I'm in a new cottage and with new clients with more demands. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. Maybe I'm not meant to help people. Considering I can't even help myself.

I feel worthless with every day that passes. I can't shut the negative self talk off. It keeps getting worse as days go by.

You're worthless.

You're fat, you can't loose the weight you put on.

You're not worth it.

These keep going through my head. I can't shut it off. I'm not writing this post to get sympathy. No, "oh poor Kelsey" bullshit.

It's really hard to get through the day when all you hear inside your head. These thoughts are a daily occurrence. Normally I can drown them out but lately they seem to keep kicking my ass. My self esteem couldn't be lower these days.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Weight Loss Problems

Recently I have been trying to lose weight. I've gained back the weight I loss during my depression episode and then some back. But it's hard. It's hard because the medicine I am on is making this process difficult. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. This is the heaviest I've ever been. Granted to some people it may not be a lot but for someone my size, it's a pretty hefty amount. 

I don't know where to go with this. I've been proactive don't get me wrong. I got a personal trainer, I'm doing a weight loss program. It's just really frustrating. I'm stuck between lack of motivation every time I see myself in the mirror.

You would think, looking at my out of shape body would give me the motivation to get my ass into gear and change but it doesn't. It makes me feel horrible. I also have a problem with food. I love food that is bad for you. It's comfort food. I crave comfort foods.

It's hard to break bad habits.