In Over My Head

In theory, I love the idea of therapy.
It's a great notion.
In actual practice, I hate therapy.


I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm rather ridiculous if you get to know me, but seriously. All I want is a therapist that is willing to work with the contradiction that is my life.

When I say contradiction, I mean, I want to get better, but I know there is a lot of baggage and crap I need to deal with, where it will probably get worse.  Because it always gets worse before it gets better. I digress, I really don't want to deal with all of that. I'd much rather pretend to be happy then actually work at becoming truly happy.


Why?

I don't know why honestly....

While typing this I reflected on how stupid I sound not wanting to truly be happy. For the longest time I have had the thought grounded into my mind that I wasn't worth saving.

Today I went with my mom with me to, yet again, a new therapist appointment. It was a free thirty minute session just to see if we mesh.  Instead of being a mature adult and being respectful, I got defensive and sassy.

The session ended way before it was supposed to with the therapist saying that we wouldn't "be a good fit". At this point, I honestly don't blame her. I was kind of a bitch. I'm sure my mother was real proud of me too...

I really just need to get my shit together...

Long Story Short

Hey World, long time no talk.
Sorry about that.

A lot has gone down since the last time I wrote.

A lot of good things and a lot of not so good things have gone on.

I got a letter saying I was no longer court ordered to see a therapist. I'm finally done with all the crap with last years incident. Things seemed to be going great. Until I got bucky and decided to stop taking my medication. At first it was because I wouldn't eat when I woke up so I didn't take my medicine, then I would just forget.

Its never a good thing to stop taking medication that's designated to help, cold turkey.

Circular thinking and speech become more and more apparent. It's pretty easy to tell when I haven't taken my medicine. I'm very antsy, agitated, sad, etc. I'm a complete roller coaster of emotions and attitudes. The only way to get better is if I have someone I can talk to and express myself towards. I haven't had very much luck with finding a "good" shrink. The last one I talked to talked about himself for 85% of the conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the right way to conduct a therapy session.

Lately I've been lost on what I want to do. Should I pursue my art career? Go and move to some place new and different. Enter art shows, create an amazing portfolio. Or, do I stay where I'm at? If I stay should I continue towards Art Therapy? Maybe I should just get my Masters in Counseling? I know I'm no where near being mentally stable enough to go out on my own yet. Granted, I have come an extremely long way since December, but I know I'm still not ready to be on my own yet.

I just hate being in my home town. I hated growing up here. I'm not a fan of this city. But, I have a good paying job, with clients that I adore. So I guess I should count my blessings.